Warmth

Today, it is finally sunny and warm again. The weather began to get better on Saturday when we were invited to a friend's birthday party. We rode our bikes there. Last night, we were invited to a barbecue and cycled there. We had just finished eating when it began to rain and we had to cycle hom ethrough the thunderstorm. We could probably have waited until it's over, but we didn't know how long we would have to wait, so we decided to get home as fast as possible.

I have been going through many different emotions during the past weeks, mostly anxiety though. Since yesterday, I have managed to calm down a little and I'm generally feeling better. Anxiety is something I struggle with a lot. Often it is social anxiety, but that is manageable and allows me to do all the important things I have to do. The bigger problem is my anxiety about the future. I keep imagining the worst that could happen to us - even though generally, I'm not really such a negative person. However, I do tend to think way too much about things and I tend to worry a lot as well, resulting in panic attacks, often several during the days. Nobody sees them since I have learned to control them. Mostly, what happens is that my blood pressure and heartbeat speed up, I start feeling hot in a feverish way, my legs begin to feel wobbly, my head starts to spin, my stomch churns and I can't breathe deeply. Today, it hasn't happened once, though. I do have good days. And I try to learn to let go, to relax and to remind myself that I cannot change the future by worrying about things. Sometimes it seems like I'm making progress, but sometimes it also seems like I will never learn to relax more.

However, during the past days it has been better and I've been a lot more relaxed. The sunshine helps. I was almost expecting autumn to come and it is beautiful to have a few more sunny days. Now I'm even hoping we might be able to swim in a the lake again before it really gets cold. Today we used the weather and did the laundry so it could dry outside. Things smell wonderful when they have been drying outside! Generally, I try to soak up as much sun as possible. Being outside and close to nature has always been quite important to me which is why I love living close to the lake. Now it looks like we might have some more beautiful, carefree days before it really begins to get cold.