Today I realised again that I get really depressed when I'm sick. I don't know why, I guess it's the not being able to do much and that makes my thoughts turn round in circles and I end up being in a bad mood, feeling low and depressed. I keep having headaches so I'm still trying to take it easy which is actually quite hard. Part of me misses the exercising even though I'm not really in a state to exercise, but I still miss it.
It is almost winter now. At the moment, it's cold, but not unbearably cold and so I'm quite relieved. At the beginning of the week, it was extremely cold and it is quite foggy and has been foggy quite often during the past weeks, especially near the lake and the river. We haven't had snow so far, though, which I'm quite happy about. Right now, I'm really tired, so I guess it's bedtime for me! Hopefully, tomorrow will be better!
Wednesday, 23 November 2011
It's been a while
It's the middle of the night and I couldn't sleep, so I'm sitting at my desk - cold and shivering slightly, hearing a clock tick on my desk and our guinea-pigs eating next to me. I haven't had the time or the energy to write in a while. The internship is interesting and I like being there, but it's not easy. First, I don't spend enough time there to learn things quickly. I'd love to, but I need to do my regular jobs to earn money since they can't pay me. So I only spend about 20 hours per week there and that makes it harder to really get into it.
Right now I think I have a head cold. I went there on Monday morning and gave up and went back home less than two hours later. It was just too much, I was dizzy and shaky and could hardly concentrate on the most simple things. Today hasn't been much better, but now I can't sleep. I think it's the itchyness. Due to hypothyroidism, I'm struggling with very dry, itchy skin. It was ok during the past days until, this morning, I used a different body lotion which I still had from summer. I threw it away tonight because the itching was really horrible. Now I've had to order a very expensive body lotion in an online pharmacy. It does help, though and I was desperate enough to spend a lot of money on it again.
It's hard to keep pretending there. Of the trainees, I'm the oldest one, but possibly the most insecure one. I'm scared of messing up, of not doing enough, of not living up to expectations. I'm also scared of lunch breaks with the boss. He is nice, but eating in front of the trainees is bad enough and eating in front of him is even worse. I never feel like I can talk that well anyway and it gets worse when I feel like I have nothing important to say. However, I don't want them to know I used to have problems, that my arms are full of scars and disfigured from years of cutting myself, that I used to have Anorexia Nervosa and that eating normally is still often not easy for me, that I learned in a Baptist church from a very young age on that everyone else and their needs are more important than me. I'm trying to leave all that behind, to let nobody know about my past, but it's extremely hard if you're spending that much time with people.
Yesterday, I sent away the package with the Christmas presents for my family and a special soemthing for my mum, an Advent calendar. My sisters and I made it, they sent their little wrapped presents to me and my bf and I put it together. The Christmas presents I had bought early this year to make sure I wouldn't get stressed in December. I should be able to be just slightly proud of myself. i have baked Christmas biscuits, we packed a shoebox and brought it to one of the places where they collected them for "Christmas in a shoebox" and I have already bought and sent off the Christmas presents to my family. However, I keep demanding more of myself. I don't seem to be happy with having achieved one thing, with having been well-organised, there are so many other things that I'm not doing well enough! I've been cycling a lot, resulting in me doing about 7 to 9 hours of exercise per week. not enough, somehow. Now I'm sick and can't do much and I hate it. I hate not being able to do everything, to cancel things, but this time I had to. My bf says I don't know when to stop.
He also said maybe I should let my colleagues at the internship know I used to have problems, not in detail, but just for them to understand things the right way since I think I sometimes appear bitchy or like I'm just unwilling to do things I find dull. Like talking on the phone. I'm always on the edge of social phobia, so talking on the phone isn't easy. I do it, but I think I make a bigger fuss about it, asking more questions before calling someone. I generally ask loads of questions, scared of making mistakes. And I wish I could just make them understand that I'm not stupid or bitchy or slow, but that I've just had problems I'm still struggling to leave behind. Pretending I'm fully ok is so hard. And sometimes I think it's just a matter of time before people find about about my past. My arms are the worst, the most obvious sign. Hopefully, one day, some sort of surgery can help me. Right now, I'm even scared to ask. Too much prejudice.
I guess I might go back to bed and try to sleep. I wake up earlier these days, my sleep pattern has changed.
Right now I think I have a head cold. I went there on Monday morning and gave up and went back home less than two hours later. It was just too much, I was dizzy and shaky and could hardly concentrate on the most simple things. Today hasn't been much better, but now I can't sleep. I think it's the itchyness. Due to hypothyroidism, I'm struggling with very dry, itchy skin. It was ok during the past days until, this morning, I used a different body lotion which I still had from summer. I threw it away tonight because the itching was really horrible. Now I've had to order a very expensive body lotion in an online pharmacy. It does help, though and I was desperate enough to spend a lot of money on it again.
It's hard to keep pretending there. Of the trainees, I'm the oldest one, but possibly the most insecure one. I'm scared of messing up, of not doing enough, of not living up to expectations. I'm also scared of lunch breaks with the boss. He is nice, but eating in front of the trainees is bad enough and eating in front of him is even worse. I never feel like I can talk that well anyway and it gets worse when I feel like I have nothing important to say. However, I don't want them to know I used to have problems, that my arms are full of scars and disfigured from years of cutting myself, that I used to have Anorexia Nervosa and that eating normally is still often not easy for me, that I learned in a Baptist church from a very young age on that everyone else and their needs are more important than me. I'm trying to leave all that behind, to let nobody know about my past, but it's extremely hard if you're spending that much time with people.
Yesterday, I sent away the package with the Christmas presents for my family and a special soemthing for my mum, an Advent calendar. My sisters and I made it, they sent their little wrapped presents to me and my bf and I put it together. The Christmas presents I had bought early this year to make sure I wouldn't get stressed in December. I should be able to be just slightly proud of myself. i have baked Christmas biscuits, we packed a shoebox and brought it to one of the places where they collected them for "Christmas in a shoebox" and I have already bought and sent off the Christmas presents to my family. However, I keep demanding more of myself. I don't seem to be happy with having achieved one thing, with having been well-organised, there are so many other things that I'm not doing well enough! I've been cycling a lot, resulting in me doing about 7 to 9 hours of exercise per week. not enough, somehow. Now I'm sick and can't do much and I hate it. I hate not being able to do everything, to cancel things, but this time I had to. My bf says I don't know when to stop.
He also said maybe I should let my colleagues at the internship know I used to have problems, not in detail, but just for them to understand things the right way since I think I sometimes appear bitchy or like I'm just unwilling to do things I find dull. Like talking on the phone. I'm always on the edge of social phobia, so talking on the phone isn't easy. I do it, but I think I make a bigger fuss about it, asking more questions before calling someone. I generally ask loads of questions, scared of making mistakes. And I wish I could just make them understand that I'm not stupid or bitchy or slow, but that I've just had problems I'm still struggling to leave behind. Pretending I'm fully ok is so hard. And sometimes I think it's just a matter of time before people find about about my past. My arms are the worst, the most obvious sign. Hopefully, one day, some sort of surgery can help me. Right now, I'm even scared to ask. Too much prejudice.
I guess I might go back to bed and try to sleep. I wake up earlier these days, my sleep pattern has changed.
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