For a few weeks, I haven't managed to write anything. The reason was that my bf and I spent Christmas in England with his family. On the day of our departure, I got a really bad cold and the flight probably made it worse, so I spent a lot of time in bed and had a lot of rest. I'm still not back to normal and it will take me some more time to recover, but I'm a lot better already and we came back from England two days ago.
Anyway, due to the cold I just couldn't be bothered to even try to find a way to go on the internet, let alone write blog entries and so I had almost two weeks completely offline! Since I'm still not feeling that well, I won't write much today. This is the last day of the year 2011 and I'm not feeling a lot about that, probably due to my cold which has made my emotional life quite shallow for now. 2011 brought a lot of changes and my future is more uncertain than ever, but I think that is a good thing. Finally, I have choices.
I'm reading a book by Adrian Plass at the moment: "Jesus - Safe. Tender, Extreme". A very good, very honest book which is in some way almost healing to read since Adrian Plass is very honest in what he says about being a Christian and about how often we get it wrong and make it so much harder for ourselves and others than it would have to be, harder than it should be. I wish there were more people like Adrian Plass out there, more people who are honest about Christianity and being a Christian, who don't use big, complicated words or keep telling us that if we don't think in exactly their way, we will be sent to hell. I think if there were more people like Adrian Plass, Christianity would have a much better image!
So far my thoughts for today. Once I feel better, I will write more often again. All my best wishes to everyone for 2012.
Saturday, 31 December 2011
Monday, 12 December 2011
Hard to understand
This morning, in a way, I had to face my past again - including the church and how much they messed me up there when I was a child and the fact that sometimes I feel so incredibly lonely because I don't even have any Christian friends nearby. I have good friends in England who are Christians. That's quite far away, though.
Very often, I still find so many things so hard to understand. Why so many Christians in that Baptist church were so arrogant, jealous and self-righteous, thinking they could just tell me what to do and what not to do and tell me it was the greatest thing for me to deny myself all joy and happiness. Why are Christians like that? How can they be like that? And what about all those who are being hurt, excluded or condemned? Especially the strict, evangelical Christians complain about this un-christian world, about people who want nothing to do with Christianity. I understand why. I would not want anything to do with the person I was thirteen years ago or with her religion. I was pathetic, sick and desperate to somehow earn God's love. And I was judging people!
Why do we, why do they do that to each other? What for? Jesus didn't teach us these things. Jesus wanted to make us free. That's why He died. And we say "Yes, thanks." and create our own cages, our own prisons, using Him as a reason. I wonder if He doesn't sit there in heaven, looking at us, shaking his head and maybe crying, asking: "Why do Christians make their own lives so hard when I gave mine so they could live without fear, so they could be joyful?" I think sometimes even God shakes his head in sadness at the behaviour of those who should know better.
Very often, I still find so many things so hard to understand. Why so many Christians in that Baptist church were so arrogant, jealous and self-righteous, thinking they could just tell me what to do and what not to do and tell me it was the greatest thing for me to deny myself all joy and happiness. Why are Christians like that? How can they be like that? And what about all those who are being hurt, excluded or condemned? Especially the strict, evangelical Christians complain about this un-christian world, about people who want nothing to do with Christianity. I understand why. I would not want anything to do with the person I was thirteen years ago or with her religion. I was pathetic, sick and desperate to somehow earn God's love. And I was judging people!
Why do we, why do they do that to each other? What for? Jesus didn't teach us these things. Jesus wanted to make us free. That's why He died. And we say "Yes, thanks." and create our own cages, our own prisons, using Him as a reason. I wonder if He doesn't sit there in heaven, looking at us, shaking his head and maybe crying, asking: "Why do Christians make their own lives so hard when I gave mine so they could live without fear, so they could be joyful?" I think sometimes even God shakes his head in sadness at the behaviour of those who should know better.
Thursday, 8 December 2011
On judging others
When I was a child, my parents were members of a Baptist church which we went to every Sunday. My sisters and I went to Sunday school upstairs while my parents were attending the service downstairs. This church was a huge and very important part of my life until the negative effects began to show and I became increasingly unhappy. The reason was that we were taught that, yes, Jesus had died for our sins, but we still had to be perfect Christians or God would punish us and stop loving us. Concerned church members did their best to make my parents feel bad. They would say things like: "If you do this/ don't do this, God can't bless your life." As a result, we lived in constant fear of God. When I was 15 years old, we left the church.
Since then I have tried once to become a mamber of a church again, but I think my past in the Baptist church made it impossible. And now I've been without a church for years. Last year, I joined a Christian internet forum though and tried it out for three days. I hadn written less than a dozen entries when forum members told me I had to change something or there was something wrong in my life. I left the forum.
What is it with evangelical Christians and judging? There is a verse in the Bible that says: “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"
To me that sounds like a clear message. Do not judge others - if you do, you need to have a really good reason to do so. If you know a member of your church is selling drugs you can say something. If you know a member of the church has killed a person you can say something. If you know a member of your church lets their kids dress up for Halloween when you think Christians shouldn't allow their kids to have anything to do with Halloween, keep your mouth shut! The mother who allows her kids to dress up and go for candy on Halloween maybe doesn't want her kids to be excluded. If she is committing a sin (while she actually has the best intentions), that sin has already been forgiven. But maybe she isn't. And if you walk up to her and tell her something scary, like God won't love her if she allows her kids to dress up for Halloween, then you are committing a sin yourself: you're causing that mother to be scared of God.
What I mean is: of course we should not stay silent if we see that a Christian, maybe even a member of our own church, is doing something that clearly harms other people. However, if they just live their belief in a more liberal way, that's none of your business. You are making other mistakes and committing other sins - while actually might be having good intentions. That is one reason Jesus died on the cross. He did not just die for things like murder or stealing or telling lies... things which we know are wrong and can decide not to do, he also died for all the sins we commit unknowingly, when we thought we were doing good. He died for the wrong advice you give a friend, the mistakes you made in raising your child, the time when you did not notice that someone was in need of help. And he died so we would not have to live in fear of sin!
So why do we still judge each other? I think very often, the real reason is jealousy. If I don't allow myself certain things because I think I'm not supposed to as a Christian, the other person shouldn't have that freedom either. If I don't drink alcohol because I think it is wrong for a Christian to do that, I cannot watch how my Christian friend enjoys a glass of wine. We are like that as human beings and very often, we act on these feelings. If I walk up to my Christian friend and tell her she must not drink that glass of wine as a Christian, I can keep telling myself I'm just doing it for her own good. However, if she isn't an alcoholic or taking medication while drinking the glass of wine, what would I be worried about? If drinking that glass of wine was actually a sin, it would be forgiven. However, since Jesus himself drank wine, I should assume it is not a sin if you don't drink too much. So why am I telling my friend she mustn't drink it? Because I feel like I mustn't and I feel that it is unfair that she has that freedom when I don't. So I make her feel insecure about it, maybe even scared of losing God's love and maybe I even can make her decide that she won't drin k wine ever again. Do I now have the satisfaction of having saved my friend from something horrible or is it not rather the satisfaction of knowing she is just as trapped in fears and prohibitions as I am?
I wish Christians would question themselves more before judging others and I wish that they would keep their mouths shut a lot more when it comes to judging! It is more important that we work on ourselves and on all those little sins, real sins, that we are committing every day - like the jealousy because my friend allows herself something which I don't allow myself. Which of the two is the sin: the glass of wine my friend is drinking or my bitterness and jealousy over it? Guess!
Since then I have tried once to become a mamber of a church again, but I think my past in the Baptist church made it impossible. And now I've been without a church for years. Last year, I joined a Christian internet forum though and tried it out for three days. I hadn written less than a dozen entries when forum members told me I had to change something or there was something wrong in my life. I left the forum.
What is it with evangelical Christians and judging? There is a verse in the Bible that says: “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"
To me that sounds like a clear message. Do not judge others - if you do, you need to have a really good reason to do so. If you know a member of your church is selling drugs you can say something. If you know a member of the church has killed a person you can say something. If you know a member of your church lets their kids dress up for Halloween when you think Christians shouldn't allow their kids to have anything to do with Halloween, keep your mouth shut! The mother who allows her kids to dress up and go for candy on Halloween maybe doesn't want her kids to be excluded. If she is committing a sin (while she actually has the best intentions), that sin has already been forgiven. But maybe she isn't. And if you walk up to her and tell her something scary, like God won't love her if she allows her kids to dress up for Halloween, then you are committing a sin yourself: you're causing that mother to be scared of God.
What I mean is: of course we should not stay silent if we see that a Christian, maybe even a member of our own church, is doing something that clearly harms other people. However, if they just live their belief in a more liberal way, that's none of your business. You are making other mistakes and committing other sins - while actually might be having good intentions. That is one reason Jesus died on the cross. He did not just die for things like murder or stealing or telling lies... things which we know are wrong and can decide not to do, he also died for all the sins we commit unknowingly, when we thought we were doing good. He died for the wrong advice you give a friend, the mistakes you made in raising your child, the time when you did not notice that someone was in need of help. And he died so we would not have to live in fear of sin!
So why do we still judge each other? I think very often, the real reason is jealousy. If I don't allow myself certain things because I think I'm not supposed to as a Christian, the other person shouldn't have that freedom either. If I don't drink alcohol because I think it is wrong for a Christian to do that, I cannot watch how my Christian friend enjoys a glass of wine. We are like that as human beings and very often, we act on these feelings. If I walk up to my Christian friend and tell her she must not drink that glass of wine as a Christian, I can keep telling myself I'm just doing it for her own good. However, if she isn't an alcoholic or taking medication while drinking the glass of wine, what would I be worried about? If drinking that glass of wine was actually a sin, it would be forgiven. However, since Jesus himself drank wine, I should assume it is not a sin if you don't drink too much. So why am I telling my friend she mustn't drink it? Because I feel like I mustn't and I feel that it is unfair that she has that freedom when I don't. So I make her feel insecure about it, maybe even scared of losing God's love and maybe I even can make her decide that she won't drin k wine ever again. Do I now have the satisfaction of having saved my friend from something horrible or is it not rather the satisfaction of knowing she is just as trapped in fears and prohibitions as I am?
I wish Christians would question themselves more before judging others and I wish that they would keep their mouths shut a lot more when it comes to judging! It is more important that we work on ourselves and on all those little sins, real sins, that we are committing every day - like the jealousy because my friend allows herself something which I don't allow myself. Which of the two is the sin: the glass of wine my friend is drinking or my bitterness and jealousy over it? Guess!
Monday, 5 December 2011
Sooo... this turned out very differently
Weeks and weeks ago I mentioned that I had started an internship at a very small music label in this city and after that I didn't post very much. The main reason was lack of time and energy. I wasn't paid at that internship so i had to work a lot in addition to the internship, sometimes up to 15 or 17 hours a day. During the second or third week I became sick for the first time and then it happened again and again.
I really liked the place and the other trainees and I felt that for the first time I was among people who were in some way similar to me. However, the kind of work I had to do was mostly not my thing. It's hard to explain, but I love to write, I need a routine and I couldn't be there long enough every day to get into a routine and to really be able to work by myself and to know what I had to do. It was getting harder and harder and I was often suffering from headaches, dizziness and exhaustion. Every morning I dragged myself out of bed, cycled to work (1/2 hour) and felt cold all day, tried to do my best there and still was failing, hardly ever joined the people at their lunch break since I wasn't there long enough, felt lonely and excluded by the fact that I couldn't be there much and didn't learn things as quickly as the other trainees.
During the following weeks, I got sick again and felt like I was coming closer and closer to my limits. However, I sometimes don't trust myself and my perception and thus I didn't really believe I was coming close to my limit. What was really hurting me was that I didn't have time to write at all. I went to work in the morning, came home late in the evening and was exhausted. There was no energy left. And ultimately, I realized that this was just not the right thing for me.
Last Friday I talked to my boss and it turned out that he and the other trainees had probably realized that even before I had. He suggested that I don't come back as a regular trainee, but just show up for the meeting once a week and do some translating or writing for them at home when they need me to. That way, I can dedicate more time to writing now and can also get some much-needed rest. Today I have most of the day off and admittedly, I am still a little confused and exhausted and still struggling to find into a new routine. I don't do very well with sudden changes and even this positive one needs to be sort of processed and dealth with and that isn't really easy.
On a different note: I'm so cold today. I think the heating isn't working properly and I just can't get warm. My feet and hands and nose feel frozen! This is a very gray, very uncomfortable, very cold December day and doesn't look or feel like Christmas at all!
I really liked the place and the other trainees and I felt that for the first time I was among people who were in some way similar to me. However, the kind of work I had to do was mostly not my thing. It's hard to explain, but I love to write, I need a routine and I couldn't be there long enough every day to get into a routine and to really be able to work by myself and to know what I had to do. It was getting harder and harder and I was often suffering from headaches, dizziness and exhaustion. Every morning I dragged myself out of bed, cycled to work (1/2 hour) and felt cold all day, tried to do my best there and still was failing, hardly ever joined the people at their lunch break since I wasn't there long enough, felt lonely and excluded by the fact that I couldn't be there much and didn't learn things as quickly as the other trainees.
During the following weeks, I got sick again and felt like I was coming closer and closer to my limits. However, I sometimes don't trust myself and my perception and thus I didn't really believe I was coming close to my limit. What was really hurting me was that I didn't have time to write at all. I went to work in the morning, came home late in the evening and was exhausted. There was no energy left. And ultimately, I realized that this was just not the right thing for me.
Last Friday I talked to my boss and it turned out that he and the other trainees had probably realized that even before I had. He suggested that I don't come back as a regular trainee, but just show up for the meeting once a week and do some translating or writing for them at home when they need me to. That way, I can dedicate more time to writing now and can also get some much-needed rest. Today I have most of the day off and admittedly, I am still a little confused and exhausted and still struggling to find into a new routine. I don't do very well with sudden changes and even this positive one needs to be sort of processed and dealth with and that isn't really easy.
On a different note: I'm so cold today. I think the heating isn't working properly and I just can't get warm. My feet and hands and nose feel frozen! This is a very gray, very uncomfortable, very cold December day and doesn't look or feel like Christmas at all!
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