This morning, in a way, I had to face my past again - including the church and how much they messed me up there when I was a child and the fact that sometimes I feel so incredibly lonely because I don't even have any Christian friends nearby. I have good friends in England who are Christians. That's quite far away, though.
Very often, I still find so many things so hard to understand. Why so many Christians in that Baptist church were so arrogant, jealous and self-righteous, thinking they could just tell me what to do and what not to do and tell me it was the greatest thing for me to deny myself all joy and happiness. Why are Christians like that? How can they be like that? And what about all those who are being hurt, excluded or condemned? Especially the strict, evangelical Christians complain about this un-christian world, about people who want nothing to do with Christianity. I understand why. I would not want anything to do with the person I was thirteen years ago or with her religion. I was pathetic, sick and desperate to somehow earn God's love. And I was judging people!
Why do we, why do they do that to each other? What for? Jesus didn't teach us these things. Jesus wanted to make us free. That's why He died. And we say "Yes, thanks." and create our own cages, our own prisons, using Him as a reason. I wonder if He doesn't sit there in heaven, looking at us, shaking his head and maybe crying, asking: "Why do Christians make their own lives so hard when I gave mine so they could live without fear, so they could be joyful?" I think sometimes even God shakes his head in sadness at the behaviour of those who should know better.
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