Beautiful day

I cycled to my pupils place this morning which is about 8 km away from where I live, maybe even a little more than that. It was a beautiful, sunny day. This morning it was still quite cold, but as soon as the sun was up, I began to feel quite warm and enjoyed being outside. When I rode back home, I even rolled my sleeves up and enjoyed feeling the sun on my face. In the afternoon, my bf and I cycled to the city centre, past the lake. The leaves on the trees are beginning to show all the colours of autumn and it smells of autumn, of cold weather and rain and ice, but we heard many different birds today and things felt so... alive, more than usually.

And I got the internship. It's a lot more long-term than I thought, but I'm too tired and still too confused to write much about it. Another day, another time. For now, it's time to cuddle up in bed and read.

Getting a little excited

Last week I applied for an internship at a small music label here in the city and the interview is tomorrow. I'm getting a little excited about it because it means that I'm finally taking steps towards the right direction. So far, I'm hardly anxious about it although I do know that will change tomorrow and I will be very anxious then. Meeting new people is always quite hard for me, I get so scared of doing something wrong and I'm shy anyway and sometimes I fear they might somehow guess or see my past which I would rather want to be secret at this point.

Speaking of which - a couple of years ago I was in a really bad place and ended up in the psychiatric ward here in the city. There was one male nurse who seemed quite relaxed and who was quite nice. He played table-tennis with me once. Years later, I ran into him at a party of one of my bf's friends and of course he recognized me and asked me how I was doing. It turned out my bf had known him for years because they had the same friends. We talked about the psychiatric ward once and now, we hardly get to talk because we don't run into each other very often. He is nice enough not to mention it anymore. Still, it does creep me out sometimes and I'm glad that he and my bf aren't close friends so I don't get to meet him often. Sometimes this city is just too small.

Generally, I have changed so much since then that I don't even want that time to be part of my life anymore. I know it always will be and I always will have those horrible scars on my arms, but I do try to distance myself from it. Admittedly, every now and then I'd still like to have the Anorexia back, just for the low weight and this exciting feeling of progress. It is the one thing I still need to fight and will probably have to fight for the rest of my life. That and anxiety which has been ok during the past days. I enjoy every minute that I have without being really anxious. Now I just hope the interview will go well tomorrow since I really want that internship!

Maybe I should take a nice bike ride today. The sun is shining and it is one of those beautiful autumn days!

Sometimes I get lucky

On Friday night, I had to work in the bar. Usually, I work there during the week, but every now and then I jump in and do a Friday or Saturday night. On weekends we don't need to close the bar at 02:00 a.m. so it's basically open end. Usually I get to close between 4 and 6 a.m. on weekends. Admittedly, it is quite exhausting for me. I'm more a night than a morning person, but definitely not late, late night. Generally I need to be in bed around midnight, if not earlier and I rarely stay up until past midnight if I'm not working in the bar.

So I wasn't necessarily looking forward to spending a long night in the bar, with all the people. People are exhausting and on a long night like that, I tend to turn into a hermit for the rest of the weekend, wanting to see nobody but my bf. I get stressed out by people if I spend too much time with them. On Friday night, things were refreshingly different though. A group of eight people came in early. There were two women, the others were men with big beards, tatoos and Heavy-Metal band t-shirts. Most of them were quite big and looked almost scary. It turned out they were from Finland and had travelled to Germany for some concert or Heavy Metal event.

They stayed for the rest of the night, except for one of the girls and a small, slim man who left early. The others stayed and asked me to play their favourite songs which they would sing loudly. The amazing thing was that they were in such a good mood, so lively and happy, but they didn't misbehave in any way. They just had fun, bought loads of drinks and completely enjoyed their time in the bar. I had to take a few photos of them and the guy who had the camera took a few photos of me as well. They were really friendly and the best thing was that they were just enjoying the time they had in the bar, planning on going to the airport in the morning. I asked them if they had booked a hotel and they grinned and said "Yes, here!" At some point in the early morning, they asked me to call them a taxi and they shook my hand and the three biggest men even gave me hugs to say goodbye. It is hard to describe why I was so impressed, I think it was just how they were enjoying their time, how friendly they were bathing in the moment of being there, in a Heavy Metal bar.

I hardly felt tired throughout the whole night. It was as if I could go on forever and it was really amazing. I tidied up while listening to music and I was still completely awake and hyper when I cycled home. Admittedly, that wore off and by Satuday afternoon, I was crashing.

Still, it was pretty much one of the best nights I'd ever had working in a bar.

A Dream Coming True

About 11 years ago, relatives took my 1 1/2 years younger sister and me to the island Mallorca for a holiday. One night we walked past a hotel where they had a small show going and we sat down just to watch the rest of the show. It was a mini-version of "Alegría" by the Cirque du Soleil and the were playing the song "Alegría". I remember sitting there, fascinated, the dark sky above me, the music playing and I was lost in there, in the melody, the music and the mystery. I was 15 years old.

When we were back at home, I bought the CD and tried to find out more. I wished that one day I would be able to see the show, but I also thought I knew that it was unlikely that they would ever come anywhere close to where I was living and I had almost given up on the hope of one day seeing the real "Alegría" by the Cirque du Soleil.

Some weeks ago I saw the advertising. They will be in Bremen in October. I decided that I had to see them, but I wasn't sure if we were going to have enough money for the tickets. And then we had a flood in the cellar in July and got some money to make up for all the hours we spent tidying up. We first decided on saving it, but then I talked to my boyfriend and asked him if we shouldn't rather spend it on tickets for the show. He agreed and so i went and bought the tickets. And since then I have been looking forward to it and still am. It's hard to explain, but I was mesmerized, excited and completely happy. It was that one song, but it changed so much. Maybe it is the essence of "Alegría", maybe it expresses what exactly "Alegría" means and puts it into music and makes people yearn for more.

It's still more than a month before the big day, before the dream will come true which I had as a 15-year old girl - of one day seeing the original show "Alegría"live! I can hardly imagine it's going to come true!

So incredibly glad to finally be home!

Tonight I wanted to go swordfencing. I've been doing medieval swordfencing for about 1 1/2 years, together with my bf. It's quite exhausting and straining and seems to use pretty much all our muscles - even the ones we never knew of! However, I really like doing it. For a few weeks I couldn't participate, though, because I had bruised my ribs in a bike accident. Last week I finally managed to participate again and began to curse myself for what I knew would happen this week. I work in a facility for tutoring kids who have problems keeping up in school and once a year, the employees are invited to dinner. So a few weeks ago the boss asked when we had time and it turned out today was best for everybody -and I agreed, assuming my ribs would need more time to heal anyway.

They didn't. Last week, swordfencing was amazing: just being able to do it again and learning new things was fun even though it was such hard work. And my ribs were hardly aching anymore. For about a week I was torn between just wanting to say I can't come to the dinner and going to swordfencing today and feeling obliged to go to dinner because I had said I would be there. My feeling of being obliged won in the end, so I went to the dinner tonight, angry at myself for having even given Wednesday night as an option for the dinner.

I didn't mind the dinner, but I generally don't do well with more than half a dozen people at the same time and today it's cold an rainy and I bascially just wanted to curl up at home or train with my bf and the other people at swordfencing. I didn't feel like doing any form of going out at all. I'm quite shy in general and hardly know how or what to talk about with all these people who are my colleagues but whom I don't know particularly well. Not that i don't like them, I just don't know them well enough to feel comfortable. I was feeling insecure about eating out anyway since I have lactose intolerance and never really know what is in the food I order. In the end, I ordered something and asked if I could have it without the cheese. Generally, the evening was alright, but I was quiet and once my boss asked me if I was okay which made me feel embarassed. I left with two other collegues who had to be home early and went home. It was a relief to close the door behind me and be by myself again. Too many people during the past days, first the family reunion on the weekend and then the dinner tonight. Now I'm looking forward to the weekend and I swear I'll be a hermit over the weekend. My bf is never a problem, I feel completely comfortable around him and we spend so much time apart during the week that I enjoy having him around 24/7 on the weekends. But we can both be hermits together, just go out to go shopping for groceries, maybe a walk or a bike ride, but certainly not going out to some bar or anything like that in the evening! I've had enough of people for this week and I'm looking forward to a weekedn alone with my bf and our pets!

Damn!

Last night I was on my way to the bar where I work and I usually cycle there. I wanted to cycle into a small, one-way street - I cycled in there from the "wrong" end, but it's only one-way for cars, cyclists are allowed to go in both directions. The sun was shining so I couldn't see properly. The road did look a little different there, but I thought it was just we, cycled on - and suddenly was standing in fresh, wet tar and some guy from the road construction yelled at me. A guy behind me (he was on the sidewalk) yelled back at him that he should have put up a sign. I turned round again and stood in the tar with my shoes as well - my new, expensive shoes, of course! And there was no sign, no barrier, nothing to catch someone's attetion before they innocently step on the tar.

I took the long way to work and was so angry. Germans have too many signs on the road and bloody failed to put one where it really would have been necessary. I don't get that! Last night, my bf and I spent an hour removing the tar from my shoes with petrol and I was so angry. Of course, there is nobody I can blame, nobody I can walk up to to complain!

It was basically a horrible end to a day which hadn't started out well. The shoes are ok now, the pair of jeans I was wearing still isn't. Tonight I probably have to take the tram since it is raining so badly. I prefer taking the bike, but I don't want to get wet, either.

I'm actually ready for the weekend already!

The big family reunion is over!

On Saturday, my bf and I travelled to a big family reunion in the middle of Germany. It was my mother's side of the family: her cousin was celebrating his birthday and had successfully managed to get the whole family together in that in/restaurant run by some of the family members in that tiny village near where my grandmother and my uncle live.

We travelled with the regional trains which was really exhausting: changin trains three times, about six hours of travelling, but it was cheap and my parents paid. One of my youngest sister's trains was late, though which made her two hours late because she couldn't get the trains in the other places where she had to change, either. That happens quite oftne with the "Deutsche Bahn" even though the tickets are extremely expensive.

In some way, I felt like a freak at first. I used to be lively and outgoing as a child, but these days, I become so shy I just don't dare to walk up to someone and start talking to them - neither does my dad or my bf. Actually, my whole family is a little more quiet and only my youngest sister can just walk up to people and talk to them. And then the younger relatives came in, our 2nd degree cousins. Two young women, one 27, one 29, and later two other young women, 17 and 21 and the 17-year old's brother, 21 as well. They walked in there, lively, loud, getting everyone's attention, everyone's interest. My bf and I were almost ignored at first and just kept sitting there and I think two of my sisters and my one sister's fiancé were not doing much better. We're not like that, we're not people who walk into a room and get everyone's attention. I'm quite happy to be left alone, too many people just stress me out and I get confused and anxious and basically just want to leave. Plus, there were two male dogs: my family's dog and another male dog which belongs to my mother's cousin and her family and they were barking at each other like mad.

Later, the young people walked the dogs to a nearby garden where my 27-year old cousing started talking to us and asking us questions which made things a little easier. My bf didn't talk much, though. They tried guessing his age later (early 30s they said), but didn't really say much when it turned out he's 43. They might have been a little freaked-out at the fact that I'm 26 and together with a 43-year old - which, honestly, I don't care about at all. Later they were drinking shots which my sisters, my bf and I were not participating in, either. I like wine and a cocktail every now and then, but I hate drinking shots of liquor. Especially when my parents are watching! ;)

It was past midnight when my parents and two of my sisters and my one sister's fiancé left and it was even later when my uncle drove my grandmother, my youngest sister, my bf and me home to where they live and where we were going to spend the night. At seven in the morning we were woken up by the church bells - the church is next to my grandparents' house. We didn't sleep much and frankly, I was quite glad when we were sitting on the train (25 minutes late - again) which took us north again. My sister got off in the next big city where she had to change trains, my bf and I came home an hour later, completely exhausted and sleep-deprived.

In the end, it was good to see all these people again after years and years, but I'm also glad this family reunion is over. There has never been that much contact, especially between my sisters and me and the young maternal relatives. I don't even know why, maybe lack of interest on both sides. But I don't need to get together again with that many people at once any time soon!