For a few weeks, I haven't managed to write anything. The reason was that my bf and I spent Christmas in England with his family. On the day of our departure, I got a really bad cold and the flight probably made it worse, so I spent a lot of time in bed and had a lot of rest. I'm still not back to normal and it will take me some more time to recover, but I'm a lot better already and we came back from England two days ago.
Anyway, due to the cold I just couldn't be bothered to even try to find a way to go on the internet, let alone write blog entries and so I had almost two weeks completely offline! Since I'm still not feeling that well, I won't write much today. This is the last day of the year 2011 and I'm not feeling a lot about that, probably due to my cold which has made my emotional life quite shallow for now. 2011 brought a lot of changes and my future is more uncertain than ever, but I think that is a good thing. Finally, I have choices.
I'm reading a book by Adrian Plass at the moment: "Jesus - Safe. Tender, Extreme". A very good, very honest book which is in some way almost healing to read since Adrian Plass is very honest in what he says about being a Christian and about how often we get it wrong and make it so much harder for ourselves and others than it would have to be, harder than it should be. I wish there were more people like Adrian Plass out there, more people who are honest about Christianity and being a Christian, who don't use big, complicated words or keep telling us that if we don't think in exactly their way, we will be sent to hell. I think if there were more people like Adrian Plass, Christianity would have a much better image!
So far my thoughts for today. Once I feel better, I will write more often again. All my best wishes to everyone for 2012.
Saturday, 31 December 2011
Monday, 12 December 2011
Hard to understand
This morning, in a way, I had to face my past again - including the church and how much they messed me up there when I was a child and the fact that sometimes I feel so incredibly lonely because I don't even have any Christian friends nearby. I have good friends in England who are Christians. That's quite far away, though.
Very often, I still find so many things so hard to understand. Why so many Christians in that Baptist church were so arrogant, jealous and self-righteous, thinking they could just tell me what to do and what not to do and tell me it was the greatest thing for me to deny myself all joy and happiness. Why are Christians like that? How can they be like that? And what about all those who are being hurt, excluded or condemned? Especially the strict, evangelical Christians complain about this un-christian world, about people who want nothing to do with Christianity. I understand why. I would not want anything to do with the person I was thirteen years ago or with her religion. I was pathetic, sick and desperate to somehow earn God's love. And I was judging people!
Why do we, why do they do that to each other? What for? Jesus didn't teach us these things. Jesus wanted to make us free. That's why He died. And we say "Yes, thanks." and create our own cages, our own prisons, using Him as a reason. I wonder if He doesn't sit there in heaven, looking at us, shaking his head and maybe crying, asking: "Why do Christians make their own lives so hard when I gave mine so they could live without fear, so they could be joyful?" I think sometimes even God shakes his head in sadness at the behaviour of those who should know better.
Very often, I still find so many things so hard to understand. Why so many Christians in that Baptist church were so arrogant, jealous and self-righteous, thinking they could just tell me what to do and what not to do and tell me it was the greatest thing for me to deny myself all joy and happiness. Why are Christians like that? How can they be like that? And what about all those who are being hurt, excluded or condemned? Especially the strict, evangelical Christians complain about this un-christian world, about people who want nothing to do with Christianity. I understand why. I would not want anything to do with the person I was thirteen years ago or with her religion. I was pathetic, sick and desperate to somehow earn God's love. And I was judging people!
Why do we, why do they do that to each other? What for? Jesus didn't teach us these things. Jesus wanted to make us free. That's why He died. And we say "Yes, thanks." and create our own cages, our own prisons, using Him as a reason. I wonder if He doesn't sit there in heaven, looking at us, shaking his head and maybe crying, asking: "Why do Christians make their own lives so hard when I gave mine so they could live without fear, so they could be joyful?" I think sometimes even God shakes his head in sadness at the behaviour of those who should know better.
Thursday, 8 December 2011
On judging others
When I was a child, my parents were members of a Baptist church which we went to every Sunday. My sisters and I went to Sunday school upstairs while my parents were attending the service downstairs. This church was a huge and very important part of my life until the negative effects began to show and I became increasingly unhappy. The reason was that we were taught that, yes, Jesus had died for our sins, but we still had to be perfect Christians or God would punish us and stop loving us. Concerned church members did their best to make my parents feel bad. They would say things like: "If you do this/ don't do this, God can't bless your life." As a result, we lived in constant fear of God. When I was 15 years old, we left the church.
Since then I have tried once to become a mamber of a church again, but I think my past in the Baptist church made it impossible. And now I've been without a church for years. Last year, I joined a Christian internet forum though and tried it out for three days. I hadn written less than a dozen entries when forum members told me I had to change something or there was something wrong in my life. I left the forum.
What is it with evangelical Christians and judging? There is a verse in the Bible that says: “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"
To me that sounds like a clear message. Do not judge others - if you do, you need to have a really good reason to do so. If you know a member of your church is selling drugs you can say something. If you know a member of the church has killed a person you can say something. If you know a member of your church lets their kids dress up for Halloween when you think Christians shouldn't allow their kids to have anything to do with Halloween, keep your mouth shut! The mother who allows her kids to dress up and go for candy on Halloween maybe doesn't want her kids to be excluded. If she is committing a sin (while she actually has the best intentions), that sin has already been forgiven. But maybe she isn't. And if you walk up to her and tell her something scary, like God won't love her if she allows her kids to dress up for Halloween, then you are committing a sin yourself: you're causing that mother to be scared of God.
What I mean is: of course we should not stay silent if we see that a Christian, maybe even a member of our own church, is doing something that clearly harms other people. However, if they just live their belief in a more liberal way, that's none of your business. You are making other mistakes and committing other sins - while actually might be having good intentions. That is one reason Jesus died on the cross. He did not just die for things like murder or stealing or telling lies... things which we know are wrong and can decide not to do, he also died for all the sins we commit unknowingly, when we thought we were doing good. He died for the wrong advice you give a friend, the mistakes you made in raising your child, the time when you did not notice that someone was in need of help. And he died so we would not have to live in fear of sin!
So why do we still judge each other? I think very often, the real reason is jealousy. If I don't allow myself certain things because I think I'm not supposed to as a Christian, the other person shouldn't have that freedom either. If I don't drink alcohol because I think it is wrong for a Christian to do that, I cannot watch how my Christian friend enjoys a glass of wine. We are like that as human beings and very often, we act on these feelings. If I walk up to my Christian friend and tell her she must not drink that glass of wine as a Christian, I can keep telling myself I'm just doing it for her own good. However, if she isn't an alcoholic or taking medication while drinking the glass of wine, what would I be worried about? If drinking that glass of wine was actually a sin, it would be forgiven. However, since Jesus himself drank wine, I should assume it is not a sin if you don't drink too much. So why am I telling my friend she mustn't drink it? Because I feel like I mustn't and I feel that it is unfair that she has that freedom when I don't. So I make her feel insecure about it, maybe even scared of losing God's love and maybe I even can make her decide that she won't drin k wine ever again. Do I now have the satisfaction of having saved my friend from something horrible or is it not rather the satisfaction of knowing she is just as trapped in fears and prohibitions as I am?
I wish Christians would question themselves more before judging others and I wish that they would keep their mouths shut a lot more when it comes to judging! It is more important that we work on ourselves and on all those little sins, real sins, that we are committing every day - like the jealousy because my friend allows herself something which I don't allow myself. Which of the two is the sin: the glass of wine my friend is drinking or my bitterness and jealousy over it? Guess!
Since then I have tried once to become a mamber of a church again, but I think my past in the Baptist church made it impossible. And now I've been without a church for years. Last year, I joined a Christian internet forum though and tried it out for three days. I hadn written less than a dozen entries when forum members told me I had to change something or there was something wrong in my life. I left the forum.
What is it with evangelical Christians and judging? There is a verse in the Bible that says: “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"
To me that sounds like a clear message. Do not judge others - if you do, you need to have a really good reason to do so. If you know a member of your church is selling drugs you can say something. If you know a member of the church has killed a person you can say something. If you know a member of your church lets their kids dress up for Halloween when you think Christians shouldn't allow their kids to have anything to do with Halloween, keep your mouth shut! The mother who allows her kids to dress up and go for candy on Halloween maybe doesn't want her kids to be excluded. If she is committing a sin (while she actually has the best intentions), that sin has already been forgiven. But maybe she isn't. And if you walk up to her and tell her something scary, like God won't love her if she allows her kids to dress up for Halloween, then you are committing a sin yourself: you're causing that mother to be scared of God.
What I mean is: of course we should not stay silent if we see that a Christian, maybe even a member of our own church, is doing something that clearly harms other people. However, if they just live their belief in a more liberal way, that's none of your business. You are making other mistakes and committing other sins - while actually might be having good intentions. That is one reason Jesus died on the cross. He did not just die for things like murder or stealing or telling lies... things which we know are wrong and can decide not to do, he also died for all the sins we commit unknowingly, when we thought we were doing good. He died for the wrong advice you give a friend, the mistakes you made in raising your child, the time when you did not notice that someone was in need of help. And he died so we would not have to live in fear of sin!
So why do we still judge each other? I think very often, the real reason is jealousy. If I don't allow myself certain things because I think I'm not supposed to as a Christian, the other person shouldn't have that freedom either. If I don't drink alcohol because I think it is wrong for a Christian to do that, I cannot watch how my Christian friend enjoys a glass of wine. We are like that as human beings and very often, we act on these feelings. If I walk up to my Christian friend and tell her she must not drink that glass of wine as a Christian, I can keep telling myself I'm just doing it for her own good. However, if she isn't an alcoholic or taking medication while drinking the glass of wine, what would I be worried about? If drinking that glass of wine was actually a sin, it would be forgiven. However, since Jesus himself drank wine, I should assume it is not a sin if you don't drink too much. So why am I telling my friend she mustn't drink it? Because I feel like I mustn't and I feel that it is unfair that she has that freedom when I don't. So I make her feel insecure about it, maybe even scared of losing God's love and maybe I even can make her decide that she won't drin k wine ever again. Do I now have the satisfaction of having saved my friend from something horrible or is it not rather the satisfaction of knowing she is just as trapped in fears and prohibitions as I am?
I wish Christians would question themselves more before judging others and I wish that they would keep their mouths shut a lot more when it comes to judging! It is more important that we work on ourselves and on all those little sins, real sins, that we are committing every day - like the jealousy because my friend allows herself something which I don't allow myself. Which of the two is the sin: the glass of wine my friend is drinking or my bitterness and jealousy over it? Guess!
Monday, 5 December 2011
Sooo... this turned out very differently
Weeks and weeks ago I mentioned that I had started an internship at a very small music label in this city and after that I didn't post very much. The main reason was lack of time and energy. I wasn't paid at that internship so i had to work a lot in addition to the internship, sometimes up to 15 or 17 hours a day. During the second or third week I became sick for the first time and then it happened again and again.
I really liked the place and the other trainees and I felt that for the first time I was among people who were in some way similar to me. However, the kind of work I had to do was mostly not my thing. It's hard to explain, but I love to write, I need a routine and I couldn't be there long enough every day to get into a routine and to really be able to work by myself and to know what I had to do. It was getting harder and harder and I was often suffering from headaches, dizziness and exhaustion. Every morning I dragged myself out of bed, cycled to work (1/2 hour) and felt cold all day, tried to do my best there and still was failing, hardly ever joined the people at their lunch break since I wasn't there long enough, felt lonely and excluded by the fact that I couldn't be there much and didn't learn things as quickly as the other trainees.
During the following weeks, I got sick again and felt like I was coming closer and closer to my limits. However, I sometimes don't trust myself and my perception and thus I didn't really believe I was coming close to my limit. What was really hurting me was that I didn't have time to write at all. I went to work in the morning, came home late in the evening and was exhausted. There was no energy left. And ultimately, I realized that this was just not the right thing for me.
Last Friday I talked to my boss and it turned out that he and the other trainees had probably realized that even before I had. He suggested that I don't come back as a regular trainee, but just show up for the meeting once a week and do some translating or writing for them at home when they need me to. That way, I can dedicate more time to writing now and can also get some much-needed rest. Today I have most of the day off and admittedly, I am still a little confused and exhausted and still struggling to find into a new routine. I don't do very well with sudden changes and even this positive one needs to be sort of processed and dealth with and that isn't really easy.
On a different note: I'm so cold today. I think the heating isn't working properly and I just can't get warm. My feet and hands and nose feel frozen! This is a very gray, very uncomfortable, very cold December day and doesn't look or feel like Christmas at all!
I really liked the place and the other trainees and I felt that for the first time I was among people who were in some way similar to me. However, the kind of work I had to do was mostly not my thing. It's hard to explain, but I love to write, I need a routine and I couldn't be there long enough every day to get into a routine and to really be able to work by myself and to know what I had to do. It was getting harder and harder and I was often suffering from headaches, dizziness and exhaustion. Every morning I dragged myself out of bed, cycled to work (1/2 hour) and felt cold all day, tried to do my best there and still was failing, hardly ever joined the people at their lunch break since I wasn't there long enough, felt lonely and excluded by the fact that I couldn't be there much and didn't learn things as quickly as the other trainees.
During the following weeks, I got sick again and felt like I was coming closer and closer to my limits. However, I sometimes don't trust myself and my perception and thus I didn't really believe I was coming close to my limit. What was really hurting me was that I didn't have time to write at all. I went to work in the morning, came home late in the evening and was exhausted. There was no energy left. And ultimately, I realized that this was just not the right thing for me.
Last Friday I talked to my boss and it turned out that he and the other trainees had probably realized that even before I had. He suggested that I don't come back as a regular trainee, but just show up for the meeting once a week and do some translating or writing for them at home when they need me to. That way, I can dedicate more time to writing now and can also get some much-needed rest. Today I have most of the day off and admittedly, I am still a little confused and exhausted and still struggling to find into a new routine. I don't do very well with sudden changes and even this positive one needs to be sort of processed and dealth with and that isn't really easy.
On a different note: I'm so cold today. I think the heating isn't working properly and I just can't get warm. My feet and hands and nose feel frozen! This is a very gray, very uncomfortable, very cold December day and doesn't look or feel like Christmas at all!
Wednesday, 23 November 2011
Bad cold = depression
Today I realised again that I get really depressed when I'm sick. I don't know why, I guess it's the not being able to do much and that makes my thoughts turn round in circles and I end up being in a bad mood, feeling low and depressed. I keep having headaches so I'm still trying to take it easy which is actually quite hard. Part of me misses the exercising even though I'm not really in a state to exercise, but I still miss it.
It is almost winter now. At the moment, it's cold, but not unbearably cold and so I'm quite relieved. At the beginning of the week, it was extremely cold and it is quite foggy and has been foggy quite often during the past weeks, especially near the lake and the river. We haven't had snow so far, though, which I'm quite happy about. Right now, I'm really tired, so I guess it's bedtime for me! Hopefully, tomorrow will be better!
It is almost winter now. At the moment, it's cold, but not unbearably cold and so I'm quite relieved. At the beginning of the week, it was extremely cold and it is quite foggy and has been foggy quite often during the past weeks, especially near the lake and the river. We haven't had snow so far, though, which I'm quite happy about. Right now, I'm really tired, so I guess it's bedtime for me! Hopefully, tomorrow will be better!
It's been a while
It's the middle of the night and I couldn't sleep, so I'm sitting at my desk - cold and shivering slightly, hearing a clock tick on my desk and our guinea-pigs eating next to me. I haven't had the time or the energy to write in a while. The internship is interesting and I like being there, but it's not easy. First, I don't spend enough time there to learn things quickly. I'd love to, but I need to do my regular jobs to earn money since they can't pay me. So I only spend about 20 hours per week there and that makes it harder to really get into it.
Right now I think I have a head cold. I went there on Monday morning and gave up and went back home less than two hours later. It was just too much, I was dizzy and shaky and could hardly concentrate on the most simple things. Today hasn't been much better, but now I can't sleep. I think it's the itchyness. Due to hypothyroidism, I'm struggling with very dry, itchy skin. It was ok during the past days until, this morning, I used a different body lotion which I still had from summer. I threw it away tonight because the itching was really horrible. Now I've had to order a very expensive body lotion in an online pharmacy. It does help, though and I was desperate enough to spend a lot of money on it again.
It's hard to keep pretending there. Of the trainees, I'm the oldest one, but possibly the most insecure one. I'm scared of messing up, of not doing enough, of not living up to expectations. I'm also scared of lunch breaks with the boss. He is nice, but eating in front of the trainees is bad enough and eating in front of him is even worse. I never feel like I can talk that well anyway and it gets worse when I feel like I have nothing important to say. However, I don't want them to know I used to have problems, that my arms are full of scars and disfigured from years of cutting myself, that I used to have Anorexia Nervosa and that eating normally is still often not easy for me, that I learned in a Baptist church from a very young age on that everyone else and their needs are more important than me. I'm trying to leave all that behind, to let nobody know about my past, but it's extremely hard if you're spending that much time with people.
Yesterday, I sent away the package with the Christmas presents for my family and a special soemthing for my mum, an Advent calendar. My sisters and I made it, they sent their little wrapped presents to me and my bf and I put it together. The Christmas presents I had bought early this year to make sure I wouldn't get stressed in December. I should be able to be just slightly proud of myself. i have baked Christmas biscuits, we packed a shoebox and brought it to one of the places where they collected them for "Christmas in a shoebox" and I have already bought and sent off the Christmas presents to my family. However, I keep demanding more of myself. I don't seem to be happy with having achieved one thing, with having been well-organised, there are so many other things that I'm not doing well enough! I've been cycling a lot, resulting in me doing about 7 to 9 hours of exercise per week. not enough, somehow. Now I'm sick and can't do much and I hate it. I hate not being able to do everything, to cancel things, but this time I had to. My bf says I don't know when to stop.
He also said maybe I should let my colleagues at the internship know I used to have problems, not in detail, but just for them to understand things the right way since I think I sometimes appear bitchy or like I'm just unwilling to do things I find dull. Like talking on the phone. I'm always on the edge of social phobia, so talking on the phone isn't easy. I do it, but I think I make a bigger fuss about it, asking more questions before calling someone. I generally ask loads of questions, scared of making mistakes. And I wish I could just make them understand that I'm not stupid or bitchy or slow, but that I've just had problems I'm still struggling to leave behind. Pretending I'm fully ok is so hard. And sometimes I think it's just a matter of time before people find about about my past. My arms are the worst, the most obvious sign. Hopefully, one day, some sort of surgery can help me. Right now, I'm even scared to ask. Too much prejudice.
I guess I might go back to bed and try to sleep. I wake up earlier these days, my sleep pattern has changed.
Right now I think I have a head cold. I went there on Monday morning and gave up and went back home less than two hours later. It was just too much, I was dizzy and shaky and could hardly concentrate on the most simple things. Today hasn't been much better, but now I can't sleep. I think it's the itchyness. Due to hypothyroidism, I'm struggling with very dry, itchy skin. It was ok during the past days until, this morning, I used a different body lotion which I still had from summer. I threw it away tonight because the itching was really horrible. Now I've had to order a very expensive body lotion in an online pharmacy. It does help, though and I was desperate enough to spend a lot of money on it again.
It's hard to keep pretending there. Of the trainees, I'm the oldest one, but possibly the most insecure one. I'm scared of messing up, of not doing enough, of not living up to expectations. I'm also scared of lunch breaks with the boss. He is nice, but eating in front of the trainees is bad enough and eating in front of him is even worse. I never feel like I can talk that well anyway and it gets worse when I feel like I have nothing important to say. However, I don't want them to know I used to have problems, that my arms are full of scars and disfigured from years of cutting myself, that I used to have Anorexia Nervosa and that eating normally is still often not easy for me, that I learned in a Baptist church from a very young age on that everyone else and their needs are more important than me. I'm trying to leave all that behind, to let nobody know about my past, but it's extremely hard if you're spending that much time with people.
Yesterday, I sent away the package with the Christmas presents for my family and a special soemthing for my mum, an Advent calendar. My sisters and I made it, they sent their little wrapped presents to me and my bf and I put it together. The Christmas presents I had bought early this year to make sure I wouldn't get stressed in December. I should be able to be just slightly proud of myself. i have baked Christmas biscuits, we packed a shoebox and brought it to one of the places where they collected them for "Christmas in a shoebox" and I have already bought and sent off the Christmas presents to my family. However, I keep demanding more of myself. I don't seem to be happy with having achieved one thing, with having been well-organised, there are so many other things that I'm not doing well enough! I've been cycling a lot, resulting in me doing about 7 to 9 hours of exercise per week. not enough, somehow. Now I'm sick and can't do much and I hate it. I hate not being able to do everything, to cancel things, but this time I had to. My bf says I don't know when to stop.
He also said maybe I should let my colleagues at the internship know I used to have problems, not in detail, but just for them to understand things the right way since I think I sometimes appear bitchy or like I'm just unwilling to do things I find dull. Like talking on the phone. I'm always on the edge of social phobia, so talking on the phone isn't easy. I do it, but I think I make a bigger fuss about it, asking more questions before calling someone. I generally ask loads of questions, scared of making mistakes. And I wish I could just make them understand that I'm not stupid or bitchy or slow, but that I've just had problems I'm still struggling to leave behind. Pretending I'm fully ok is so hard. And sometimes I think it's just a matter of time before people find about about my past. My arms are the worst, the most obvious sign. Hopefully, one day, some sort of surgery can help me. Right now, I'm even scared to ask. Too much prejudice.
I guess I might go back to bed and try to sleep. I wake up earlier these days, my sleep pattern has changed.
Wednesday, 5 October 2011
A day off
Things have been quite exhausting lately which is the reason I didn't write anything here for a while. I started the internship at that music label last week and it's not easy for me to get into the new routine and to get used to all the new things. It causes quite a bit of anxiety - like every change generally does, but it's bearable. I also have very busy days. Tuesdays are especially busy, but Wednesdays I have off which is why I have time to write this now.
We had the most beautiful weather until Monday. It was as if it was still summer, just with the leaves changing their colours and colder nights. My bf and I went cycling on the weekends and spent quite a lot of time outside, sucking up the last bits of sunshine before autumn really kicks in - which is what is happening now. Today I'm sitting here wrapped up in my warm jumper because the flat was really cold this morning. even our geribils were looking fat this morning which means they have fluffed up their fur to stay warm - they tend to do that when it gets colder. In some way I like it when it does get colder, I'm just dreading the rainy days. Yesterday, I cycled to work for the first time. It takes about 1/2 hour, mostly along the river which is a very beautiful ride. If it starts raining badly, though, I will get completely wet so I will probably have to take the tram on days when they announce rain.
I'm feeling a little tired and drained today and I basically just want to curl up and read a book and be left alone by everyone but the bf. I'm not in a negative mood, just contemplative and quiet today. Which is not a bad state to be in. I like being in our flat, at my desk in the sitting room, listening to life happening outside and knowing that, for just a few hours, I can take a break from it.
We had the most beautiful weather until Monday. It was as if it was still summer, just with the leaves changing their colours and colder nights. My bf and I went cycling on the weekends and spent quite a lot of time outside, sucking up the last bits of sunshine before autumn really kicks in - which is what is happening now. Today I'm sitting here wrapped up in my warm jumper because the flat was really cold this morning. even our geribils were looking fat this morning which means they have fluffed up their fur to stay warm - they tend to do that when it gets colder. In some way I like it when it does get colder, I'm just dreading the rainy days. Yesterday, I cycled to work for the first time. It takes about 1/2 hour, mostly along the river which is a very beautiful ride. If it starts raining badly, though, I will get completely wet so I will probably have to take the tram on days when they announce rain.
I'm feeling a little tired and drained today and I basically just want to curl up and read a book and be left alone by everyone but the bf. I'm not in a negative mood, just contemplative and quiet today. Which is not a bad state to be in. I like being in our flat, at my desk in the sitting room, listening to life happening outside and knowing that, for just a few hours, I can take a break from it.
Saturday, 24 September 2011
Beautiful day
I cycled to my pupils place this morning which is about 8 km away from where I live, maybe even a little more than that. It was a beautiful, sunny day. This morning it was still quite cold, but as soon as the sun was up, I began to feel quite warm and enjoyed being outside. When I rode back home, I even rolled my sleeves up and enjoyed feeling the sun on my face. In the afternoon, my bf and I cycled to the city centre, past the lake. The leaves on the trees are beginning to show all the colours of autumn and it smells of autumn, of cold weather and rain and ice, but we heard many different birds today and things felt so... alive, more than usually.
And I got the internship. It's a lot more long-term than I thought, but I'm too tired and still too confused to write much about it. Another day, another time. For now, it's time to cuddle up in bed and read.
And I got the internship. It's a lot more long-term than I thought, but I'm too tired and still too confused to write much about it. Another day, another time. For now, it's time to cuddle up in bed and read.
Monday, 19 September 2011
Getting a little excited
Last week I applied for an internship at a small music label here in the city and the interview is tomorrow. I'm getting a little excited about it because it means that I'm finally taking steps towards the right direction. So far, I'm hardly anxious about it although I do know that will change tomorrow and I will be very anxious then. Meeting new people is always quite hard for me, I get so scared of doing something wrong and I'm shy anyway and sometimes I fear they might somehow guess or see my past which I would rather want to be secret at this point.
Speaking of which - a couple of years ago I was in a really bad place and ended up in the psychiatric ward here in the city. There was one male nurse who seemed quite relaxed and who was quite nice. He played table-tennis with me once. Years later, I ran into him at a party of one of my bf's friends and of course he recognized me and asked me how I was doing. It turned out my bf had known him for years because they had the same friends. We talked about the psychiatric ward once and now, we hardly get to talk because we don't run into each other very often. He is nice enough not to mention it anymore. Still, it does creep me out sometimes and I'm glad that he and my bf aren't close friends so I don't get to meet him often. Sometimes this city is just too small.
Generally, I have changed so much since then that I don't even want that time to be part of my life anymore. I know it always will be and I always will have those horrible scars on my arms, but I do try to distance myself from it. Admittedly, every now and then I'd still like to have the Anorexia back, just for the low weight and this exciting feeling of progress. It is the one thing I still need to fight and will probably have to fight for the rest of my life. That and anxiety which has been ok during the past days. I enjoy every minute that I have without being really anxious. Now I just hope the interview will go well tomorrow since I really want that internship!
Maybe I should take a nice bike ride today. The sun is shining and it is one of those beautiful autumn days!
Speaking of which - a couple of years ago I was in a really bad place and ended up in the psychiatric ward here in the city. There was one male nurse who seemed quite relaxed and who was quite nice. He played table-tennis with me once. Years later, I ran into him at a party of one of my bf's friends and of course he recognized me and asked me how I was doing. It turned out my bf had known him for years because they had the same friends. We talked about the psychiatric ward once and now, we hardly get to talk because we don't run into each other very often. He is nice enough not to mention it anymore. Still, it does creep me out sometimes and I'm glad that he and my bf aren't close friends so I don't get to meet him often. Sometimes this city is just too small.
Generally, I have changed so much since then that I don't even want that time to be part of my life anymore. I know it always will be and I always will have those horrible scars on my arms, but I do try to distance myself from it. Admittedly, every now and then I'd still like to have the Anorexia back, just for the low weight and this exciting feeling of progress. It is the one thing I still need to fight and will probably have to fight for the rest of my life. That and anxiety which has been ok during the past days. I enjoy every minute that I have without being really anxious. Now I just hope the interview will go well tomorrow since I really want that internship!
Maybe I should take a nice bike ride today. The sun is shining and it is one of those beautiful autumn days!
Sunday, 18 September 2011
Sometimes I get lucky
On Friday night, I had to work in the bar. Usually, I work there during the week, but every now and then I jump in and do a Friday or Saturday night. On weekends we don't need to close the bar at 02:00 a.m. so it's basically open end. Usually I get to close between 4 and 6 a.m. on weekends. Admittedly, it is quite exhausting for me. I'm more a night than a morning person, but definitely not late, late night. Generally I need to be in bed around midnight, if not earlier and I rarely stay up until past midnight if I'm not working in the bar.
So I wasn't necessarily looking forward to spending a long night in the bar, with all the people. People are exhausting and on a long night like that, I tend to turn into a hermit for the rest of the weekend, wanting to see nobody but my bf. I get stressed out by people if I spend too much time with them. On Friday night, things were refreshingly different though. A group of eight people came in early. There were two women, the others were men with big beards, tatoos and Heavy-Metal band t-shirts. Most of them were quite big and looked almost scary. It turned out they were from Finland and had travelled to Germany for some concert or Heavy Metal event.
They stayed for the rest of the night, except for one of the girls and a small, slim man who left early. The others stayed and asked me to play their favourite songs which they would sing loudly. The amazing thing was that they were in such a good mood, so lively and happy, but they didn't misbehave in any way. They just had fun, bought loads of drinks and completely enjoyed their time in the bar. I had to take a few photos of them and the guy who had the camera took a few photos of me as well. They were really friendly and the best thing was that they were just enjoying the time they had in the bar, planning on going to the airport in the morning. I asked them if they had booked a hotel and they grinned and said "Yes, here!" At some point in the early morning, they asked me to call them a taxi and they shook my hand and the three biggest men even gave me hugs to say goodbye. It is hard to describe why I was so impressed, I think it was just how they were enjoying their time, how friendly they were bathing in the moment of being there, in a Heavy Metal bar.
I hardly felt tired throughout the whole night. It was as if I could go on forever and it was really amazing. I tidied up while listening to music and I was still completely awake and hyper when I cycled home. Admittedly, that wore off and by Satuday afternoon, I was crashing.
Still, it was pretty much one of the best nights I'd ever had working in a bar.
So I wasn't necessarily looking forward to spending a long night in the bar, with all the people. People are exhausting and on a long night like that, I tend to turn into a hermit for the rest of the weekend, wanting to see nobody but my bf. I get stressed out by people if I spend too much time with them. On Friday night, things were refreshingly different though. A group of eight people came in early. There were two women, the others were men with big beards, tatoos and Heavy-Metal band t-shirts. Most of them were quite big and looked almost scary. It turned out they were from Finland and had travelled to Germany for some concert or Heavy Metal event.
They stayed for the rest of the night, except for one of the girls and a small, slim man who left early. The others stayed and asked me to play their favourite songs which they would sing loudly. The amazing thing was that they were in such a good mood, so lively and happy, but they didn't misbehave in any way. They just had fun, bought loads of drinks and completely enjoyed their time in the bar. I had to take a few photos of them and the guy who had the camera took a few photos of me as well. They were really friendly and the best thing was that they were just enjoying the time they had in the bar, planning on going to the airport in the morning. I asked them if they had booked a hotel and they grinned and said "Yes, here!" At some point in the early morning, they asked me to call them a taxi and they shook my hand and the three biggest men even gave me hugs to say goodbye. It is hard to describe why I was so impressed, I think it was just how they were enjoying their time, how friendly they were bathing in the moment of being there, in a Heavy Metal bar.
I hardly felt tired throughout the whole night. It was as if I could go on forever and it was really amazing. I tidied up while listening to music and I was still completely awake and hyper when I cycled home. Admittedly, that wore off and by Satuday afternoon, I was crashing.
Still, it was pretty much one of the best nights I'd ever had working in a bar.
Sunday, 11 September 2011
A Dream Coming True
About 11 years ago, relatives took my 1 1/2 years younger sister and me to the island Mallorca for a holiday. One night we walked past a hotel where they had a small show going and we sat down just to watch the rest of the show. It was a mini-version of "AlegrÃa" by the Cirque du Soleil and the were playing the song "AlegrÃa". I remember sitting there, fascinated, the dark sky above me, the music playing and I was lost in there, in the melody, the music and the mystery. I was 15 years old.
When we were back at home, I bought the CD and tried to find out more. I wished that one day I would be able to see the show, but I also thought I knew that it was unlikely that they would ever come anywhere close to where I was living and I had almost given up on the hope of one day seeing the real "AlegrÃa" by the Cirque du Soleil.
Some weeks ago I saw the advertising. They will be in Bremen in October. I decided that I had to see them, but I wasn't sure if we were going to have enough money for the tickets. And then we had a flood in the cellar in July and got some money to make up for all the hours we spent tidying up. We first decided on saving it, but then I talked to my boyfriend and asked him if we shouldn't rather spend it on tickets for the show. He agreed and so i went and bought the tickets. And since then I have been looking forward to it and still am. It's hard to explain, but I was mesmerized, excited and completely happy. It was that one song, but it changed so much. Maybe it is the essence of "AlegrÃa", maybe it expresses what exactly "AlegrÃa" means and puts it into music and makes people yearn for more.
It's still more than a month before the big day, before the dream will come true which I had as a 15-year old girl - of one day seeing the original show "AlegrÃa"live! I can hardly imagine it's going to come true!
When we were back at home, I bought the CD and tried to find out more. I wished that one day I would be able to see the show, but I also thought I knew that it was unlikely that they would ever come anywhere close to where I was living and I had almost given up on the hope of one day seeing the real "AlegrÃa" by the Cirque du Soleil.
Some weeks ago I saw the advertising. They will be in Bremen in October. I decided that I had to see them, but I wasn't sure if we were going to have enough money for the tickets. And then we had a flood in the cellar in July and got some money to make up for all the hours we spent tidying up. We first decided on saving it, but then I talked to my boyfriend and asked him if we shouldn't rather spend it on tickets for the show. He agreed and so i went and bought the tickets. And since then I have been looking forward to it and still am. It's hard to explain, but I was mesmerized, excited and completely happy. It was that one song, but it changed so much. Maybe it is the essence of "AlegrÃa", maybe it expresses what exactly "AlegrÃa" means and puts it into music and makes people yearn for more.
It's still more than a month before the big day, before the dream will come true which I had as a 15-year old girl - of one day seeing the original show "AlegrÃa"live! I can hardly imagine it's going to come true!
Wednesday, 7 September 2011
So incredibly glad to finally be home!
Tonight I wanted to go swordfencing. I've been doing medieval swordfencing for about 1 1/2 years, together with my bf. It's quite exhausting and straining and seems to use pretty much all our muscles - even the ones we never knew of! However, I really like doing it. For a few weeks I couldn't participate, though, because I had bruised my ribs in a bike accident. Last week I finally managed to participate again and began to curse myself for what I knew would happen this week. I work in a facility for tutoring kids who have problems keeping up in school and once a year, the employees are invited to dinner. So a few weeks ago the boss asked when we had time and it turned out today was best for everybody -and I agreed, assuming my ribs would need more time to heal anyway.
They didn't. Last week, swordfencing was amazing: just being able to do it again and learning new things was fun even though it was such hard work. And my ribs were hardly aching anymore. For about a week I was torn between just wanting to say I can't come to the dinner and going to swordfencing today and feeling obliged to go to dinner because I had said I would be there. My feeling of being obliged won in the end, so I went to the dinner tonight, angry at myself for having even given Wednesday night as an option for the dinner.
I didn't mind the dinner, but I generally don't do well with more than half a dozen people at the same time and today it's cold an rainy and I bascially just wanted to curl up at home or train with my bf and the other people at swordfencing. I didn't feel like doing any form of going out at all. I'm quite shy in general and hardly know how or what to talk about with all these people who are my colleagues but whom I don't know particularly well. Not that i don't like them, I just don't know them well enough to feel comfortable. I was feeling insecure about eating out anyway since I have lactose intolerance and never really know what is in the food I order. In the end, I ordered something and asked if I could have it without the cheese. Generally, the evening was alright, but I was quiet and once my boss asked me if I was okay which made me feel embarassed. I left with two other collegues who had to be home early and went home. It was a relief to close the door behind me and be by myself again. Too many people during the past days, first the family reunion on the weekend and then the dinner tonight. Now I'm looking forward to the weekend and I swear I'll be a hermit over the weekend. My bf is never a problem, I feel completely comfortable around him and we spend so much time apart during the week that I enjoy having him around 24/7 on the weekends. But we can both be hermits together, just go out to go shopping for groceries, maybe a walk or a bike ride, but certainly not going out to some bar or anything like that in the evening! I've had enough of people for this week and I'm looking forward to a weekedn alone with my bf and our pets!
They didn't. Last week, swordfencing was amazing: just being able to do it again and learning new things was fun even though it was such hard work. And my ribs were hardly aching anymore. For about a week I was torn between just wanting to say I can't come to the dinner and going to swordfencing today and feeling obliged to go to dinner because I had said I would be there. My feeling of being obliged won in the end, so I went to the dinner tonight, angry at myself for having even given Wednesday night as an option for the dinner.
I didn't mind the dinner, but I generally don't do well with more than half a dozen people at the same time and today it's cold an rainy and I bascially just wanted to curl up at home or train with my bf and the other people at swordfencing. I didn't feel like doing any form of going out at all. I'm quite shy in general and hardly know how or what to talk about with all these people who are my colleagues but whom I don't know particularly well. Not that i don't like them, I just don't know them well enough to feel comfortable. I was feeling insecure about eating out anyway since I have lactose intolerance and never really know what is in the food I order. In the end, I ordered something and asked if I could have it without the cheese. Generally, the evening was alright, but I was quiet and once my boss asked me if I was okay which made me feel embarassed. I left with two other collegues who had to be home early and went home. It was a relief to close the door behind me and be by myself again. Too many people during the past days, first the family reunion on the weekend and then the dinner tonight. Now I'm looking forward to the weekend and I swear I'll be a hermit over the weekend. My bf is never a problem, I feel completely comfortable around him and we spend so much time apart during the week that I enjoy having him around 24/7 on the weekends. But we can both be hermits together, just go out to go shopping for groceries, maybe a walk or a bike ride, but certainly not going out to some bar or anything like that in the evening! I've had enough of people for this week and I'm looking forward to a weekedn alone with my bf and our pets!
Tuesday, 6 September 2011
Damn!
Last night I was on my way to the bar where I work and I usually cycle there. I wanted to cycle into a small, one-way street - I cycled in there from the "wrong" end, but it's only one-way for cars, cyclists are allowed to go in both directions. The sun was shining so I couldn't see properly. The road did look a little different there, but I thought it was just we, cycled on - and suddenly was standing in fresh, wet tar and some guy from the road construction yelled at me. A guy behind me (he was on the sidewalk) yelled back at him that he should have put up a sign. I turned round again and stood in the tar with my shoes as well - my new, expensive shoes, of course! And there was no sign, no barrier, nothing to catch someone's attetion before they innocently step on the tar.
I took the long way to work and was so angry. Germans have too many signs on the road and bloody failed to put one where it really would have been necessary. I don't get that! Last night, my bf and I spent an hour removing the tar from my shoes with petrol and I was so angry. Of course, there is nobody I can blame, nobody I can walk up to to complain!
It was basically a horrible end to a day which hadn't started out well. The shoes are ok now, the pair of jeans I was wearing still isn't. Tonight I probably have to take the tram since it is raining so badly. I prefer taking the bike, but I don't want to get wet, either.
I'm actually ready for the weekend already!
I took the long way to work and was so angry. Germans have too many signs on the road and bloody failed to put one where it really would have been necessary. I don't get that! Last night, my bf and I spent an hour removing the tar from my shoes with petrol and I was so angry. Of course, there is nobody I can blame, nobody I can walk up to to complain!
It was basically a horrible end to a day which hadn't started out well. The shoes are ok now, the pair of jeans I was wearing still isn't. Tonight I probably have to take the tram since it is raining so badly. I prefer taking the bike, but I don't want to get wet, either.
I'm actually ready for the weekend already!
Monday, 5 September 2011
The big family reunion is over!
On Saturday, my bf and I travelled to a big family reunion in the middle of Germany. It was my mother's side of the family: her cousin was celebrating his birthday and had successfully managed to get the whole family together in that in/restaurant run by some of the family members in that tiny village near where my grandmother and my uncle live.
We travelled with the regional trains which was really exhausting: changin trains three times, about six hours of travelling, but it was cheap and my parents paid. One of my youngest sister's trains was late, though which made her two hours late because she couldn't get the trains in the other places where she had to change, either. That happens quite oftne with the "Deutsche Bahn" even though the tickets are extremely expensive.
In some way, I felt like a freak at first. I used to be lively and outgoing as a child, but these days, I become so shy I just don't dare to walk up to someone and start talking to them - neither does my dad or my bf. Actually, my whole family is a little more quiet and only my youngest sister can just walk up to people and talk to them. And then the younger relatives came in, our 2nd degree cousins. Two young women, one 27, one 29, and later two other young women, 17 and 21 and the 17-year old's brother, 21 as well. They walked in there, lively, loud, getting everyone's attention, everyone's interest. My bf and I were almost ignored at first and just kept sitting there and I think two of my sisters and my one sister's fiancé were not doing much better. We're not like that, we're not people who walk into a room and get everyone's attention. I'm quite happy to be left alone, too many people just stress me out and I get confused and anxious and basically just want to leave. Plus, there were two male dogs: my family's dog and another male dog which belongs to my mother's cousin and her family and they were barking at each other like mad.
Later, the young people walked the dogs to a nearby garden where my 27-year old cousing started talking to us and asking us questions which made things a little easier. My bf didn't talk much, though. They tried guessing his age later (early 30s they said), but didn't really say much when it turned out he's 43. They might have been a little freaked-out at the fact that I'm 26 and together with a 43-year old - which, honestly, I don't care about at all. Later they were drinking shots which my sisters, my bf and I were not participating in, either. I like wine and a cocktail every now and then, but I hate drinking shots of liquor. Especially when my parents are watching! ;)
It was past midnight when my parents and two of my sisters and my one sister's fiancé left and it was even later when my uncle drove my grandmother, my youngest sister, my bf and me home to where they live and where we were going to spend the night. At seven in the morning we were woken up by the church bells - the church is next to my grandparents' house. We didn't sleep much and frankly, I was quite glad when we were sitting on the train (25 minutes late - again) which took us north again. My sister got off in the next big city where she had to change trains, my bf and I came home an hour later, completely exhausted and sleep-deprived.
In the end, it was good to see all these people again after years and years, but I'm also glad this family reunion is over. There has never been that much contact, especially between my sisters and me and the young maternal relatives. I don't even know why, maybe lack of interest on both sides. But I don't need to get together again with that many people at once any time soon!
We travelled with the regional trains which was really exhausting: changin trains three times, about six hours of travelling, but it was cheap and my parents paid. One of my youngest sister's trains was late, though which made her two hours late because she couldn't get the trains in the other places where she had to change, either. That happens quite oftne with the "Deutsche Bahn" even though the tickets are extremely expensive.
In some way, I felt like a freak at first. I used to be lively and outgoing as a child, but these days, I become so shy I just don't dare to walk up to someone and start talking to them - neither does my dad or my bf. Actually, my whole family is a little more quiet and only my youngest sister can just walk up to people and talk to them. And then the younger relatives came in, our 2nd degree cousins. Two young women, one 27, one 29, and later two other young women, 17 and 21 and the 17-year old's brother, 21 as well. They walked in there, lively, loud, getting everyone's attention, everyone's interest. My bf and I were almost ignored at first and just kept sitting there and I think two of my sisters and my one sister's fiancé were not doing much better. We're not like that, we're not people who walk into a room and get everyone's attention. I'm quite happy to be left alone, too many people just stress me out and I get confused and anxious and basically just want to leave. Plus, there were two male dogs: my family's dog and another male dog which belongs to my mother's cousin and her family and they were barking at each other like mad.
Later, the young people walked the dogs to a nearby garden where my 27-year old cousing started talking to us and asking us questions which made things a little easier. My bf didn't talk much, though. They tried guessing his age later (early 30s they said), but didn't really say much when it turned out he's 43. They might have been a little freaked-out at the fact that I'm 26 and together with a 43-year old - which, honestly, I don't care about at all. Later they were drinking shots which my sisters, my bf and I were not participating in, either. I like wine and a cocktail every now and then, but I hate drinking shots of liquor. Especially when my parents are watching! ;)
It was past midnight when my parents and two of my sisters and my one sister's fiancé left and it was even later when my uncle drove my grandmother, my youngest sister, my bf and me home to where they live and where we were going to spend the night. At seven in the morning we were woken up by the church bells - the church is next to my grandparents' house. We didn't sleep much and frankly, I was quite glad when we were sitting on the train (25 minutes late - again) which took us north again. My sister got off in the next big city where she had to change trains, my bf and I came home an hour later, completely exhausted and sleep-deprived.
In the end, it was good to see all these people again after years and years, but I'm also glad this family reunion is over. There has never been that much contact, especially between my sisters and me and the young maternal relatives. I don't even know why, maybe lack of interest on both sides. But I don't need to get together again with that many people at once any time soon!
Tuesday, 30 August 2011
The big discussion: women and how they dress
Last night, we daw a documentary on TV that tried to explore why women wear headscarfs or burquas in Europe (and generally) and why we are so disturbed by that. In France, women are not even allowed to wear burquas on the streets anymore.
I do know this is a very sensitive topic and I don't mean to judge these women or to give a reason why they cover their heads. What I find important is our side, our reaction and "our" in this case means us, the Western people who are "disturbed" by burquas (a French politician said that on TV in that documentary, that he found is "disturbing" to see women dressed like that). Why do we find it disturbing though? Because it is different? Because we don't like to see religeous people in the streets? Consider how many Christians wear a cross that expresses their religion and how many Christans have the Ichtys-fish smbol on the back of their car! Is that less disturbing? Or the promise-ring which some American girls wear promise rings to show that they won't have sex before they're married!
Admittedly, I understand one argument of the discussion: a large number of women might be forced to wear headscarfs or burquas. There might be pressure from their families and relatives. A burqua-ban like it exists in France won't really change that, though. And it won't change the women's situations. Ultimately, what should be more important is making sure these women and girls can chose to get an education, to go to college or to university if they want to and to do any job they want to do. A burqua or headscarf won't help them with that, but banning it won't give women these choices.
And let us not forget that many women might choose to cover their heads. One young woman was interviewed and she explained that she had discoverted the headscarf for herself even though her family would never have asked her to wear it. She might not be the only one. And yet, I think our Western society sees it as something that is out of date, something that should not be anymore, not in these days. Women should be free to wear what they want to wear and to decide for themselves how much of their bodies they want to reveal. And revealing one's body isn't a problem for women in Western societies. I see them on the tram and the bus: women wearing hotpants and flimsy tops and a few years ago they would even reveal their stomachs and the only reson they're not doing that is that it's not in anymore. But what if a woman decides to cover her body rather than reveal it? I did that for a few years. I hated my body when I was in the depth of Anorexia Nervosa. I thought my legs were too fat so I never wore skirts or short trousers, let alone bathing suits or bikinis. I had cut my arms so much I couldn't let people see them so I wore long sleeves as well. I bought XL-clothes to hide my "huge" figure (a figure that did fit easily into size XS) and believe me, if I had had the courage and the possibility, I would have worn a burqua to hide my body. Admittedly, I was covering myself because I was sick. But it was hardly acceptable. People kept asking why I never wore short sleeves or skirts. They thought it was weird.
We see half-naked women all the time: on big posters, advertising tiny bikinis on flawless, photoshopped bodies, on TV and in magazines. We are taught that we have to look like that: skinny with tanned, smooth skin and perfect proportions and no body hair whatsoever. Sometimes I catch myself trying to make my body look so perfect I could take off my clothes any time and would look brilliant - not that I've ever planned to actually do that, but I feel like I need to be perfect enough to be able to do that and to look like a supermodel.
There is an enormous pressure on Western women these days. We have to pursue the greatest career and have important jobs, we are supposed to be perfect mothers and housewives and great sex partners and we are also supposed to exercise and to diet and to look fabulous all the time. Girls as young as eight are starving themselves to live up to that fantasy picture of a perfect woman, teenagers diet regularly and mothers of beautiful children with wonderful husbands are unable to enjoy their happiness because they continuously feel the need to lose more and more weight.
Maybe burquas and headscarves look more out of date. However, if covering your head is pathetic, the desperate attempt to live up to a fantasy image created by the media is just as pathetic as well. Western societies look down on women covering their heads and ban the burquas while their own women starve themselves or purge their food or overeat in their despair. Are we not horribly hypocritical? Talk about the suppression of women - the West can do that just as well as the East. So the ban of the burqua in france is about giving the women more freedom, one should ban posters of half-naked women as well - they are the other extreme and their effect is at least as negative.
If the ban of the burqua is more about Western people feeling disturbed by it, can we please ban a few other things as well? Things like t-shirts the size S on women who are a size L or horrible hairstyles done by cheap hairdressers, the tons and tons of make-up on some young girls' faces, t-shirts that have words like "slut" or "bitch" written over the front ans men in thin, pink t-shirts! If everyone is allowed to wear whatever they want to wear, the burqua and headscarves should be included. believe me, there are things which are a hundred times as tasteless as a long, black coat that hides the face.
It is a difficult topic and I don't claim to have a solution for it or the ultimate truth about it - I don't. I just wish we could drop some of the hypocrisy that seems to mask the lack of tolerance and I wish we could develop more tolerance instead and embrace different cultures instead of insisting on our own culture being the best. It is not - otherwise there wouldn't be that many people with eating disorders, addictions and hundreds of other psychiatric problems.
I do know this is a very sensitive topic and I don't mean to judge these women or to give a reason why they cover their heads. What I find important is our side, our reaction and "our" in this case means us, the Western people who are "disturbed" by burquas (a French politician said that on TV in that documentary, that he found is "disturbing" to see women dressed like that). Why do we find it disturbing though? Because it is different? Because we don't like to see religeous people in the streets? Consider how many Christians wear a cross that expresses their religion and how many Christans have the Ichtys-fish smbol on the back of their car! Is that less disturbing? Or the promise-ring which some American girls wear promise rings to show that they won't have sex before they're married!
Admittedly, I understand one argument of the discussion: a large number of women might be forced to wear headscarfs or burquas. There might be pressure from their families and relatives. A burqua-ban like it exists in France won't really change that, though. And it won't change the women's situations. Ultimately, what should be more important is making sure these women and girls can chose to get an education, to go to college or to university if they want to and to do any job they want to do. A burqua or headscarf won't help them with that, but banning it won't give women these choices.
And let us not forget that many women might choose to cover their heads. One young woman was interviewed and she explained that she had discoverted the headscarf for herself even though her family would never have asked her to wear it. She might not be the only one. And yet, I think our Western society sees it as something that is out of date, something that should not be anymore, not in these days. Women should be free to wear what they want to wear and to decide for themselves how much of their bodies they want to reveal. And revealing one's body isn't a problem for women in Western societies. I see them on the tram and the bus: women wearing hotpants and flimsy tops and a few years ago they would even reveal their stomachs and the only reson they're not doing that is that it's not in anymore. But what if a woman decides to cover her body rather than reveal it? I did that for a few years. I hated my body when I was in the depth of Anorexia Nervosa. I thought my legs were too fat so I never wore skirts or short trousers, let alone bathing suits or bikinis. I had cut my arms so much I couldn't let people see them so I wore long sleeves as well. I bought XL-clothes to hide my "huge" figure (a figure that did fit easily into size XS) and believe me, if I had had the courage and the possibility, I would have worn a burqua to hide my body. Admittedly, I was covering myself because I was sick. But it was hardly acceptable. People kept asking why I never wore short sleeves or skirts. They thought it was weird.
We see half-naked women all the time: on big posters, advertising tiny bikinis on flawless, photoshopped bodies, on TV and in magazines. We are taught that we have to look like that: skinny with tanned, smooth skin and perfect proportions and no body hair whatsoever. Sometimes I catch myself trying to make my body look so perfect I could take off my clothes any time and would look brilliant - not that I've ever planned to actually do that, but I feel like I need to be perfect enough to be able to do that and to look like a supermodel.
There is an enormous pressure on Western women these days. We have to pursue the greatest career and have important jobs, we are supposed to be perfect mothers and housewives and great sex partners and we are also supposed to exercise and to diet and to look fabulous all the time. Girls as young as eight are starving themselves to live up to that fantasy picture of a perfect woman, teenagers diet regularly and mothers of beautiful children with wonderful husbands are unable to enjoy their happiness because they continuously feel the need to lose more and more weight.
Maybe burquas and headscarves look more out of date. However, if covering your head is pathetic, the desperate attempt to live up to a fantasy image created by the media is just as pathetic as well. Western societies look down on women covering their heads and ban the burquas while their own women starve themselves or purge their food or overeat in their despair. Are we not horribly hypocritical? Talk about the suppression of women - the West can do that just as well as the East. So the ban of the burqua in france is about giving the women more freedom, one should ban posters of half-naked women as well - they are the other extreme and their effect is at least as negative.
If the ban of the burqua is more about Western people feeling disturbed by it, can we please ban a few other things as well? Things like t-shirts the size S on women who are a size L or horrible hairstyles done by cheap hairdressers, the tons and tons of make-up on some young girls' faces, t-shirts that have words like "slut" or "bitch" written over the front ans men in thin, pink t-shirts! If everyone is allowed to wear whatever they want to wear, the burqua and headscarves should be included. believe me, there are things which are a hundred times as tasteless as a long, black coat that hides the face.
It is a difficult topic and I don't claim to have a solution for it or the ultimate truth about it - I don't. I just wish we could drop some of the hypocrisy that seems to mask the lack of tolerance and I wish we could develop more tolerance instead and embrace different cultures instead of insisting on our own culture being the best. It is not - otherwise there wouldn't be that many people with eating disorders, addictions and hundreds of other psychiatric problems.
Wednesday, 24 August 2011
Guinea-pigs
It rarely happens that I write two posts within one day, but I'm by myself tonight and I just feel like writing. So I've decided to write about our guinea-pigs. There is a longer story to it.
In January 2009, I got a hamster that was already one year old at the time. I named her Lucy and Lucy died of old age in summer 2010. Two and a half years is a pretty good age for a hamster. However, after her death the flat seemed empty to my boyfriend and me and we decided to get pets again - rodents since dogs are often not allowed in flats and we wouldn't have enough time for one right now since they do need to be taken for walks frequently. A cat was out of question. In autumn, someone from our swordfencing group told us about someone else who had to get rid of their nine month-old gerbils. They were ready to give them away with a huge cage, for free. That's how we ended up with our gerbils Monty and Reepicheep.
Around Christmas we decided that we wanted guinea-pigs as well and in January I found a breeder over the internet who wanted to give his baby guinea-pigs away. He assured us that all three of them were boys so we believed him and took them home where my boyfriend had built a cage for them. We named them Patch, Sparky and Basil. They were five weeks old when we got them. Soon we noticed that Basil and Sparky were fighting over Patch so we had to separate Basil from the other two since he was the most aggressive of them. For weeks, we were all living in peace. One day in march we weighed the guinea-pigs - something we do every week. Patch had gained a surprisingly large amount of weight and two days later my boyfriend joked that she might be pregnant. As the anxious person I often am, I researched pregnant guinea-pigs on the internet and saw photos of pregnant sows which look too much like our Patch. That's when we realised that Patch was actually a girl - and pregnant.
That day my boyfriend and I were sitting on our settee, watching our little aubergine-shaped guinea-pig, both of us groaning: "I want a drink!" and wondering about how many babies she might be carrying inside her belly. The following weeks were tense. I did more research on the internet and began to worry about all kinds of things - that the babies might be disfigured since Patch and Sparky are siblings, that Patch might be too young for a pregnancy, that we would wake up one morning to find a bloody mess of dead little guinea-pigs in the cage. Often I would tell my boyfriend about things I read and that I was worried about. He got a little annoyed at some point. I really did worry too much. During that time we had Sparky neutered even though we were not entirely sure if it was him or Basil who had impregnated Patch. Basil was neutered a few weeks later.
Patch was growing bigger and bigger. We could even see the babies moving inside her which was amazing. On April 14th, which is my mother's birthday, I woke up at around seven in the morning and walked into our sitting room. Patch was sitting in her cage, looking at me with her innocent eyes. She was slim, very slim compared to what she had looked like the night before! I stormed back into the bedroom and woke up my boyfriend who lifted the wooden little house he had made for them. And there they were: two completely white, tiny guinea-pigs and a completely dark one sitting between them, huddled up together, their fur still looking slightly damp. There was just a little bit of blood on a cloth, but althogether, things were looking very clean.
Two days later, we weighed the babies for the first time. We never took them out without Patch so they would not get too scared. Each was less than 100 g. The little dark one had two white spots on her nose and so we named it Spotty. The other two were completely white so it was clear that Sparky was their father. He is also completely white. They were so adorable, so tiny, but already fully developed with fur and their eyes open. On the second day, they began to carefully step out for a few moments and on the third day, we could observe them while they were exploring the cage and beginning to eat tiny bits of hay. It was a miracle.
We had decided to give them away once they would be old enough and when they were about three weeks old we put an ad on the internet, but nobody replied to say they wanted to take them. We had to separate them from their mother at the time since she was getting too thin from nursing them and we were growing more and more attached to them. The dark one we named Spotty, the white female we named cotton since her fur is slightly longer and the little white male is Mr. You. By June we knew we would keep them and in the first week of July, we had Mr. You neutered as well to disable the potential guinea-pig factory.
The babies are about four months old now. They have grown quite a bit and we laugh a lot about them. They are very tame, very cheeky and absolutely adorable - as are the adults, by the way. I don't think we could ever give them away. Watching them grow and develop is amazing and we have become very attached to them. There was a time, when Patch was still pregnant with them, when I feared things might spiral out of control, that we would have more and more baby guinea-pigs and that we would get completley overwhelmed with them. However, things are fine. The babies are growing and they make our life a little happier every day. Having pets is a wonderful thing. We laugh more, we have happy moments with them and life is a little more interesting with our zoo!
In January 2009, I got a hamster that was already one year old at the time. I named her Lucy and Lucy died of old age in summer 2010. Two and a half years is a pretty good age for a hamster. However, after her death the flat seemed empty to my boyfriend and me and we decided to get pets again - rodents since dogs are often not allowed in flats and we wouldn't have enough time for one right now since they do need to be taken for walks frequently. A cat was out of question. In autumn, someone from our swordfencing group told us about someone else who had to get rid of their nine month-old gerbils. They were ready to give them away with a huge cage, for free. That's how we ended up with our gerbils Monty and Reepicheep.
Around Christmas we decided that we wanted guinea-pigs as well and in January I found a breeder over the internet who wanted to give his baby guinea-pigs away. He assured us that all three of them were boys so we believed him and took them home where my boyfriend had built a cage for them. We named them Patch, Sparky and Basil. They were five weeks old when we got them. Soon we noticed that Basil and Sparky were fighting over Patch so we had to separate Basil from the other two since he was the most aggressive of them. For weeks, we were all living in peace. One day in march we weighed the guinea-pigs - something we do every week. Patch had gained a surprisingly large amount of weight and two days later my boyfriend joked that she might be pregnant. As the anxious person I often am, I researched pregnant guinea-pigs on the internet and saw photos of pregnant sows which look too much like our Patch. That's when we realised that Patch was actually a girl - and pregnant.
That day my boyfriend and I were sitting on our settee, watching our little aubergine-shaped guinea-pig, both of us groaning: "I want a drink!" and wondering about how many babies she might be carrying inside her belly. The following weeks were tense. I did more research on the internet and began to worry about all kinds of things - that the babies might be disfigured since Patch and Sparky are siblings, that Patch might be too young for a pregnancy, that we would wake up one morning to find a bloody mess of dead little guinea-pigs in the cage. Often I would tell my boyfriend about things I read and that I was worried about. He got a little annoyed at some point. I really did worry too much. During that time we had Sparky neutered even though we were not entirely sure if it was him or Basil who had impregnated Patch. Basil was neutered a few weeks later.
Patch was growing bigger and bigger. We could even see the babies moving inside her which was amazing. On April 14th, which is my mother's birthday, I woke up at around seven in the morning and walked into our sitting room. Patch was sitting in her cage, looking at me with her innocent eyes. She was slim, very slim compared to what she had looked like the night before! I stormed back into the bedroom and woke up my boyfriend who lifted the wooden little house he had made for them. And there they were: two completely white, tiny guinea-pigs and a completely dark one sitting between them, huddled up together, their fur still looking slightly damp. There was just a little bit of blood on a cloth, but althogether, things were looking very clean.
Two days later, we weighed the babies for the first time. We never took them out without Patch so they would not get too scared. Each was less than 100 g. The little dark one had two white spots on her nose and so we named it Spotty. The other two were completely white so it was clear that Sparky was their father. He is also completely white. They were so adorable, so tiny, but already fully developed with fur and their eyes open. On the second day, they began to carefully step out for a few moments and on the third day, we could observe them while they were exploring the cage and beginning to eat tiny bits of hay. It was a miracle.
We had decided to give them away once they would be old enough and when they were about three weeks old we put an ad on the internet, but nobody replied to say they wanted to take them. We had to separate them from their mother at the time since she was getting too thin from nursing them and we were growing more and more attached to them. The dark one we named Spotty, the white female we named cotton since her fur is slightly longer and the little white male is Mr. You. By June we knew we would keep them and in the first week of July, we had Mr. You neutered as well to disable the potential guinea-pig factory.
The babies are about four months old now. They have grown quite a bit and we laugh a lot about them. They are very tame, very cheeky and absolutely adorable - as are the adults, by the way. I don't think we could ever give them away. Watching them grow and develop is amazing and we have become very attached to them. There was a time, when Patch was still pregnant with them, when I feared things might spiral out of control, that we would have more and more baby guinea-pigs and that we would get completley overwhelmed with them. However, things are fine. The babies are growing and they make our life a little happier every day. Having pets is a wonderful thing. We laugh more, we have happy moments with them and life is a little more interesting with our zoo!
What can be annoying
The idea from this post is actually not mine. I took it from someone else's blog because I felt compelled to write something on that topic myself.
Imagine you see a very overweight woman in the street or on the bus. Imagine she might even be eating a sandwich - or a hamburger. Would you comment on that? Admittedly, some people might have mean thoughts along the lines of "Why is that fat person not eating vegetables?" or "How can someone that obese eat a hamburger now?!". Hardly anyone would say that out loud, though. It would be extremely offensive and hurtful and rude. You just don't do that, you don't comment on someone's weight. It is too easy to be rude or offensive, especially with women. I think the only situations in which it is okay is with babies (I'm sure every healthy mother likes hearing from other people that her baby has grown bigger since that's what babies are supposed to do) or with someone who really is working on losing the weight - who might be happy to hear that someone else can see their progress.
In any other case, however, just don't do it! I myself have had comments in the other direction. I have a delicate, girlish figure, but I have a healthy weight and a healhty BMI - I'm just at the bottom end of healthy. My boss in a facility where I tutor kids after school commented several times. One day I came in and she asked whether I was losing "even more weight" when in fact I have maintained my weight for years. Another time I mentioned that I'm learning medieval swordfencing with real swords and she asked: "What, with your weight?!". The problem is that her comments sounded so negative, like she was basically telling me I'm too thin. You can make many comments on a woman's look which are not offensive. "Wow, you look pretty today!" might be one or "I like your hairstyle!", but stating reproachfully that you're too thin to hold a sword is not nice and makes me feel like a freak. I'm built this way. I eat normally and I like eating and I even have sweeties every now and then, but I'm just naturally this way, the way other women might be naturally heavier. The best thing is to just allow people to be the way they are and not to make comments which suggeest that something might be wrong with them. That counts for thin people as well. A thin person does not like it if people make comments on their weight, espcially when those comments imply that something must be wrong with a person because they are thin.
On a different note: I've been having headaches for the past two days because of the weird, sticky-hot weather. I don't do well with that. We've been having thunderstorms as well and there will be more thunderstorms on the weekend - which I'm fine with as long as our cellar doesn't get flooded again the way it happened a few weeks ago. We spent a whole day tidying up and drying the cellar room and I was so extremely achy the next day!
Imagine you see a very overweight woman in the street or on the bus. Imagine she might even be eating a sandwich - or a hamburger. Would you comment on that? Admittedly, some people might have mean thoughts along the lines of "Why is that fat person not eating vegetables?" or "How can someone that obese eat a hamburger now?!". Hardly anyone would say that out loud, though. It would be extremely offensive and hurtful and rude. You just don't do that, you don't comment on someone's weight. It is too easy to be rude or offensive, especially with women. I think the only situations in which it is okay is with babies (I'm sure every healthy mother likes hearing from other people that her baby has grown bigger since that's what babies are supposed to do) or with someone who really is working on losing the weight - who might be happy to hear that someone else can see their progress.
In any other case, however, just don't do it! I myself have had comments in the other direction. I have a delicate, girlish figure, but I have a healthy weight and a healhty BMI - I'm just at the bottom end of healthy. My boss in a facility where I tutor kids after school commented several times. One day I came in and she asked whether I was losing "even more weight" when in fact I have maintained my weight for years. Another time I mentioned that I'm learning medieval swordfencing with real swords and she asked: "What, with your weight?!". The problem is that her comments sounded so negative, like she was basically telling me I'm too thin. You can make many comments on a woman's look which are not offensive. "Wow, you look pretty today!" might be one or "I like your hairstyle!", but stating reproachfully that you're too thin to hold a sword is not nice and makes me feel like a freak. I'm built this way. I eat normally and I like eating and I even have sweeties every now and then, but I'm just naturally this way, the way other women might be naturally heavier. The best thing is to just allow people to be the way they are and not to make comments which suggeest that something might be wrong with them. That counts for thin people as well. A thin person does not like it if people make comments on their weight, espcially when those comments imply that something must be wrong with a person because they are thin.
On a different note: I've been having headaches for the past two days because of the weird, sticky-hot weather. I don't do well with that. We've been having thunderstorms as well and there will be more thunderstorms on the weekend - which I'm fine with as long as our cellar doesn't get flooded again the way it happened a few weeks ago. We spent a whole day tidying up and drying the cellar room and I was so extremely achy the next day!
Monday, 22 August 2011
Warmth
Today, it is finally sunny and warm again. The weather began to get better on Saturday when we were invited to a friend's birthday party. We rode our bikes there. Last night, we were invited to a barbecue and cycled there. We had just finished eating when it began to rain and we had to cycle hom ethrough the thunderstorm. We could probably have waited until it's over, but we didn't know how long we would have to wait, so we decided to get home as fast as possible.
I have been going through many different emotions during the past weeks, mostly anxiety though. Since yesterday, I have managed to calm down a little and I'm generally feeling better. Anxiety is something I struggle with a lot. Often it is social anxiety, but that is manageable and allows me to do all the important things I have to do. The bigger problem is my anxiety about the future. I keep imagining the worst that could happen to us - even though generally, I'm not really such a negative person. However, I do tend to think way too much about things and I tend to worry a lot as well, resulting in panic attacks, often several during the days. Nobody sees them since I have learned to control them. Mostly, what happens is that my blood pressure and heartbeat speed up, I start feeling hot in a feverish way, my legs begin to feel wobbly, my head starts to spin, my stomch churns and I can't breathe deeply. Today, it hasn't happened once, though. I do have good days. And I try to learn to let go, to relax and to remind myself that I cannot change the future by worrying about things. Sometimes it seems like I'm making progress, but sometimes it also seems like I will never learn to relax more.
However, during the past days it has been better and I've been a lot more relaxed. The sunshine helps. I was almost expecting autumn to come and it is beautiful to have a few more sunny days. Now I'm even hoping we might be able to swim in a the lake again before it really gets cold. Today we used the weather and did the laundry so it could dry outside. Things smell wonderful when they have been drying outside! Generally, I try to soak up as much sun as possible. Being outside and close to nature has always been quite important to me which is why I love living close to the lake. Now it looks like we might have some more beautiful, carefree days before it really begins to get cold.
I have been going through many different emotions during the past weeks, mostly anxiety though. Since yesterday, I have managed to calm down a little and I'm generally feeling better. Anxiety is something I struggle with a lot. Often it is social anxiety, but that is manageable and allows me to do all the important things I have to do. The bigger problem is my anxiety about the future. I keep imagining the worst that could happen to us - even though generally, I'm not really such a negative person. However, I do tend to think way too much about things and I tend to worry a lot as well, resulting in panic attacks, often several during the days. Nobody sees them since I have learned to control them. Mostly, what happens is that my blood pressure and heartbeat speed up, I start feeling hot in a feverish way, my legs begin to feel wobbly, my head starts to spin, my stomch churns and I can't breathe deeply. Today, it hasn't happened once, though. I do have good days. And I try to learn to let go, to relax and to remind myself that I cannot change the future by worrying about things. Sometimes it seems like I'm making progress, but sometimes it also seems like I will never learn to relax more.
However, during the past days it has been better and I've been a lot more relaxed. The sunshine helps. I was almost expecting autumn to come and it is beautiful to have a few more sunny days. Now I'm even hoping we might be able to swim in a the lake again before it really gets cold. Today we used the weather and did the laundry so it could dry outside. Things smell wonderful when they have been drying outside! Generally, I try to soak up as much sun as possible. Being outside and close to nature has always been quite important to me which is why I love living close to the lake. Now it looks like we might have some more beautiful, carefree days before it really begins to get cold.
Sunday, 14 August 2011
Rain, rain, rain
For about a week or more it has been raining almost constantly and it has been quite cool. It's the middle of August, but it somehow feels like autumn has begun. We had some real summer in May or June which was the only time we were able to go to the lake and lie in the sun and swim a few times. After that, it has been cool and cloudy and often very rainy. Sometimes there would be two or three warm days in a row, but never enough for the water to get warm enough for swimming again. We definitely didn't have a proper summer this year. All we did have was cool weather and rain. Sometimes it was so cool we were close to switching the heating on and one time we actually did because our pets were getting too cold.
I'm kind of hoping we will get a nice, warm September, but part of me fears we might have autumn already and it will only get worse. I don't even buy summer clothes anymore because for this year, I certainly have enough summer clothes and don't even know if I will get an apportunity to wear them.
Winter has been quite cold during the past two years and we got a lot of snow. This city is usually quite English when it comes to the climate which means that the people here don't cope well with snow - and neither do trams or busses. Last winter, I once waited about 30 minutes for a bus. Generally, I do like winter because I like Christmas. Life takes place inside, mostly, in comfortable flats and sitting rooms where we can cuddle up and be close. This year, I am already thinking about Christmas presents, determined to avoid the stress right before Christmas because I'm hoping to have the Christmas shopping finished by the end of November. I also prefer wearing long sleeves and jumpers to wearing t-shirts and tops in summer, probably because of the scars on my arms. In summer I have the coice of either wearing long sleeves or being stared at. In winter, I don't have that problem at all.
What I love most, however, is the transition from one season to the next. I love autumn when the leaves on the trees are red, orange, yellow and brown and when they begin to fall. I love sunny autumn days and sometimes I even like rainy days and getting more comfortable inside, getting the warm coats out and the comfortable jumpers. I love winter, the first snow, the first really cold days, because it means that Christmas is close and the end of the year which is a time when it feels like the world is becoming a little more quiet. I love spring, the excitement of sunshine and putting warm clothes away, the awakening, being outside without a jacket for the first time and the happy mood everybody is in on sunny days. And in some way, I even like hot days in summer and the relief a thunderstorm brings. I'm fascinated by the seasons, by how much they influence our lives and by how they make us feel. It is something simple which still brings so much joy and so much beauty.
Right now, I'm in the mood for autumn. That does not mean I wouldn't love a warm September, but part of me is preparing for autumn, for rain, colder weather, wind and falling leaves. We often get very stormy weather in autumn and at night, I sometimes wake up, hear the wind howling around the house, hear the rain against the window and things falling over in the yard and then I pull the duvet tighter around me, hear the pets or my bf breathing and fall back alseep, grateful for our safe, warm place.
And today it is the rain which has inspired me to write this. The rain and the feeling of happiness and being grateful for what we have - which is a lot compared to many people on this planet.
I'm kind of hoping we will get a nice, warm September, but part of me fears we might have autumn already and it will only get worse. I don't even buy summer clothes anymore because for this year, I certainly have enough summer clothes and don't even know if I will get an apportunity to wear them.
Winter has been quite cold during the past two years and we got a lot of snow. This city is usually quite English when it comes to the climate which means that the people here don't cope well with snow - and neither do trams or busses. Last winter, I once waited about 30 minutes for a bus. Generally, I do like winter because I like Christmas. Life takes place inside, mostly, in comfortable flats and sitting rooms where we can cuddle up and be close. This year, I am already thinking about Christmas presents, determined to avoid the stress right before Christmas because I'm hoping to have the Christmas shopping finished by the end of November. I also prefer wearing long sleeves and jumpers to wearing t-shirts and tops in summer, probably because of the scars on my arms. In summer I have the coice of either wearing long sleeves or being stared at. In winter, I don't have that problem at all.
What I love most, however, is the transition from one season to the next. I love autumn when the leaves on the trees are red, orange, yellow and brown and when they begin to fall. I love sunny autumn days and sometimes I even like rainy days and getting more comfortable inside, getting the warm coats out and the comfortable jumpers. I love winter, the first snow, the first really cold days, because it means that Christmas is close and the end of the year which is a time when it feels like the world is becoming a little more quiet. I love spring, the excitement of sunshine and putting warm clothes away, the awakening, being outside without a jacket for the first time and the happy mood everybody is in on sunny days. And in some way, I even like hot days in summer and the relief a thunderstorm brings. I'm fascinated by the seasons, by how much they influence our lives and by how they make us feel. It is something simple which still brings so much joy and so much beauty.
Right now, I'm in the mood for autumn. That does not mean I wouldn't love a warm September, but part of me is preparing for autumn, for rain, colder weather, wind and falling leaves. We often get very stormy weather in autumn and at night, I sometimes wake up, hear the wind howling around the house, hear the rain against the window and things falling over in the yard and then I pull the duvet tighter around me, hear the pets or my bf breathing and fall back alseep, grateful for our safe, warm place.
And today it is the rain which has inspired me to write this. The rain and the feeling of happiness and being grateful for what we have - which is a lot compared to many people on this planet.
Saturday, 13 August 2011
First post
Since I've been a young girl (about eleven or twelve), I've been writing regularly. Writing is an essential part of me and always has been. Writing is how I work through things, how I express things and how I talk about things. I'm not sure if I could live without writing. There have been times when I have been reading little and writing a lot.
So I have now decided to start a blog. Everybod does it, so why shouldn't I. Aside from that, sometimes I feel like I have things worht telling. Other times, I might just be rambling. So who am I: I like to stay relatively anonymous because I don't want my real life and the internet to be to close together and I don't really want people from where I live to know what I write here. So all you will know about me in terms of facts is that I'm Jayna and I live in a city, close to a lake with my boyfriend and a few pets. I'm 26 and my boyfriend and I are quite poor, but we have an amazing flat which everybody loves and I think we have a good life.
In the past, I have been through a lot. As a child, I grew up in a very fundamentalist Baptist church and we left when I was 15 because I was in deep trouble. I had tried and tried to be the perfect Christian, fearing God's punishment and hell. I was always anxious about that as a child which might be the reason I still struggle with anxietxy. I worry about the future a lot. And since I didn't really allow myself to be a teenager and to find out who I was, I had to do that in my early twenties. I also used to be anorexic for more than a decade and I used to cut myself. My arms are covered in layers of scars which look awful even though they are pale now. I also have hyperthyroidism and now struggle with hypothyroidism and I have ostearthritis in my knees which means that very often, I'm in pain - sometimes so much I can hardly turn round in bed.
One day I decided I wanted to be healthy and to have a life. While studying, I got a job in a bar and got to know my boyfriend. It's been a long, painful journey - so much I had to learn, so many things I had to leave behind to be healthy. I still struggle with anxiety and still haven't finished studying, but I have not given up. That may be the most important thing in my life. I still believe I can have a good life - I am having a good life right now, despite anxiety, despite being poor, despite struggling to stay healthy and to cope with things in a healthy way. I'm making progress every day and I have become so much stronger.
Aside from the sad part of my story, I have my very own character traits. I am quite impatient and have trouble waiting for things. I try to do everything at once. I'm hyperactive. I always jump up to do things and I often run into thing. When I work in the bar, I get bruises on my thighs and hips because I run into things. Recently, I had a bike accident and bruised my ribs badly - I was too fast, too impatient. I am very creative and I used to dance a lot. I never had lessons, but just copied things I saw on TV or in books or made up my own dances. Dancing used to be and still is a big part of me. However, my knees are in no condition for dancing. Sometimes I still do it since I can't help it, but actually, I shouldn't. I love music and used to sing a lot and I love pictures and music videos and even made two music videos as a teenager with scenes from the TV series "Stargate SG1". I often talk too fast and while I am very shy when I meet strangers or people I don't know well, I can get very lively and talk a lot if I'm in a discussion on a topic which is important to me - of which there are many since I'm an extremely curious person and love reading about things, watching documentaries and learning new things. This year, my goal is to read two books every month and so far that has been going well. My boyfriend is an artist so we're both a littel "different", but looking from outside, we have quite a boring, quiet life.
So what will I write about in a blog? I don't know yet. Maybe everything, maybe nothing. I leanr things in my life, new experiences and sometimes I feel like sharing them. One of my favourite authors is Adrian Plass and my mother once told me about a book by him in which someone said to someone else that there is no wasted time, no years that went wasted. i used to think I wasted part of my life when, in my early twenties, I still had to find out who I am and go through things teenagers usually go through and I know now that this time was not wasted. It might not have been used to accomplish something big on the outside, but I learned so many things. There is no wasted time. We live in a world which has become so complicated, focused on capitalism and materialism. if you don't want to focus on that, I think you generally don't have an easy life. And if you do want to focus on that, you don't have an easy life, either since you have to keep up which is often a struggle as well. I had to learn that success, a career or money is not nearly as important as it often seems to be. Success and money don't buy you happiness and you can be happy with little. We always want everything and we think we have a right to have everything, but we don't. These days, I am grateful for a clean, warm place to live in, for enough food and clothes, for our pets and for the little extras we manage to afford every now and then. Once you start being happy about little, you generally get happier.
So I guess this is part of my journey, my learning and in some way, still, my recovery.
So I have now decided to start a blog. Everybod does it, so why shouldn't I. Aside from that, sometimes I feel like I have things worht telling. Other times, I might just be rambling. So who am I: I like to stay relatively anonymous because I don't want my real life and the internet to be to close together and I don't really want people from where I live to know what I write here. So all you will know about me in terms of facts is that I'm Jayna and I live in a city, close to a lake with my boyfriend and a few pets. I'm 26 and my boyfriend and I are quite poor, but we have an amazing flat which everybody loves and I think we have a good life.
In the past, I have been through a lot. As a child, I grew up in a very fundamentalist Baptist church and we left when I was 15 because I was in deep trouble. I had tried and tried to be the perfect Christian, fearing God's punishment and hell. I was always anxious about that as a child which might be the reason I still struggle with anxietxy. I worry about the future a lot. And since I didn't really allow myself to be a teenager and to find out who I was, I had to do that in my early twenties. I also used to be anorexic for more than a decade and I used to cut myself. My arms are covered in layers of scars which look awful even though they are pale now. I also have hyperthyroidism and now struggle with hypothyroidism and I have ostearthritis in my knees which means that very often, I'm in pain - sometimes so much I can hardly turn round in bed.
One day I decided I wanted to be healthy and to have a life. While studying, I got a job in a bar and got to know my boyfriend. It's been a long, painful journey - so much I had to learn, so many things I had to leave behind to be healthy. I still struggle with anxiety and still haven't finished studying, but I have not given up. That may be the most important thing in my life. I still believe I can have a good life - I am having a good life right now, despite anxiety, despite being poor, despite struggling to stay healthy and to cope with things in a healthy way. I'm making progress every day and I have become so much stronger.
Aside from the sad part of my story, I have my very own character traits. I am quite impatient and have trouble waiting for things. I try to do everything at once. I'm hyperactive. I always jump up to do things and I often run into thing. When I work in the bar, I get bruises on my thighs and hips because I run into things. Recently, I had a bike accident and bruised my ribs badly - I was too fast, too impatient. I am very creative and I used to dance a lot. I never had lessons, but just copied things I saw on TV or in books or made up my own dances. Dancing used to be and still is a big part of me. However, my knees are in no condition for dancing. Sometimes I still do it since I can't help it, but actually, I shouldn't. I love music and used to sing a lot and I love pictures and music videos and even made two music videos as a teenager with scenes from the TV series "Stargate SG1". I often talk too fast and while I am very shy when I meet strangers or people I don't know well, I can get very lively and talk a lot if I'm in a discussion on a topic which is important to me - of which there are many since I'm an extremely curious person and love reading about things, watching documentaries and learning new things. This year, my goal is to read two books every month and so far that has been going well. My boyfriend is an artist so we're both a littel "different", but looking from outside, we have quite a boring, quiet life.
So what will I write about in a blog? I don't know yet. Maybe everything, maybe nothing. I leanr things in my life, new experiences and sometimes I feel like sharing them. One of my favourite authors is Adrian Plass and my mother once told me about a book by him in which someone said to someone else that there is no wasted time, no years that went wasted. i used to think I wasted part of my life when, in my early twenties, I still had to find out who I am and go through things teenagers usually go through and I know now that this time was not wasted. It might not have been used to accomplish something big on the outside, but I learned so many things. There is no wasted time. We live in a world which has become so complicated, focused on capitalism and materialism. if you don't want to focus on that, I think you generally don't have an easy life. And if you do want to focus on that, you don't have an easy life, either since you have to keep up which is often a struggle as well. I had to learn that success, a career or money is not nearly as important as it often seems to be. Success and money don't buy you happiness and you can be happy with little. We always want everything and we think we have a right to have everything, but we don't. These days, I am grateful for a clean, warm place to live in, for enough food and clothes, for our pets and for the little extras we manage to afford every now and then. Once you start being happy about little, you generally get happier.
So I guess this is part of my journey, my learning and in some way, still, my recovery.
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